Serenade
by sevanderslice
Summary: Five times Kaidan Alenko sang to his Commander Shepard, and one time he didn't. - Note: Outtakes posted after the epilogue, "Postlude," are not written in any particular chronological order.
1. Part 1: The First Time

Rating is for mild course language throughout and mild smut in later chapters. Enjoy.**  
**

**Genre:** A Female Commander Shepard/Kaidan Alenko fanfiction

**Description:** Five times Kaidan Alenko sang to his Commander Shepard, and one time he didn't**.**

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**The First Time: **

"_Hands, touching hands…"_ Joker belted out the lyrics, horribly off key, while making melodramatic body motions, from his seat on an old crate pallet. _"….reaching out, touching me….touching you!" _

"_Sweet Caroline,"_ Commander Shepard threw her head back and let out a resounding guffaw as the rest of the crew joined in for the chorus. _"Ba, ba, ba…good times never seemed so good!"_

A glance around the mess hall was all the proof Shepard needed to pronounce this particular event a success. Too long out in the Terminus Systems without any shore leave whatsoever had started taking its toll. Over the past two weeks she'd had to break up three fights and punish six crew members for minor insubordination. The shuttle bay floor had never looked so clean and they were running out of toothbrushes.

Joker finished his song, took a shallow bow amidst a resounding round of applause, and hobbled over to the Commander. "I think someone might just deserve a commendation for thinking up this excellent idea," he said, gingerly lowering himself into the chair next to her. "Don't you think?"

"I completely agree, Joker," she said, watching his eyes light up with delight. "Do you think since I'm a Commander in the Alliance Navy, _and_ a Council Spector, that I can give myself two commendations; one from each organization?"

"Aww, that's just not fair Commander," Joker's lips turned down a tiny pout. "You know I thought of it first."

"You," she said, pointing at his chest, "made a flippant comment about having the crew 'sing out' their disagreements. I am the one who came up with the idea of a Karaoke party and then planned this little shindig.' She waved her hand around, gesturing to the entire room. "I am also the one who made attendance mandatory, when no one signed up."

Joker let out a huff of mirth. "Alright, I'll give you that," he agreed, "but who just serenaded the entire ship with the best damn rendition of 'Sweet Caroline,' ever sung?"

Shepard matched his grin. "I'll put a note in your file. Now hush up, I want to hear Pressly sing." The older gentleman was just climbing up onto the makeshift stage. "Ash," she addressed the dark haired woman on her right, "what is our distinguished navigator going to sing for us today?"

The Gunnery Chief, turned Karaoke assistant, looked down at the datapad she was holding. "Um," she said, skeptically raising an eyebrow, "'Girls just wanna have fun'?"

The commander looked perplexed for a second before rolling her eyes. "Joker!" she scolded, "how did you get a hold of my list?"

"Don't look at me Commander," he was the picture of feigned innocence. "I think Pressly just wanted to explore his feminine side."

Ash let out a huff and jumped to her feet. "I'll fix it, Commander," she said resignedly, before marching off to save their Navagator from public humiliation. A moment later a surprisingly on key performance of The Beatles' "When I'm sixty-four" could be heard throughout the crew deck. Chief Williams was just settling back into her seat when the elevator doors hissed open.

Kaidan Alenko strode into the room on long legs. The slight smile he wore softened his masculine features. "Have I missed all the fun?" He settled in at their table, angling his body so he could see both the performance, and his companions.

Joker frowned at him. "And where have you been, Alenko, while we've been participating in all this mandatory awesomeness?"

"Cool your jets Joker," the Commander piped in. "I had him doing a shift in engineering. At least a few people have to be on duty, even when there's a party going on."

"Well, it sucks to be you then, Kaidan." Joker announced. "You've missed everything, including Ash's inspiring performance of 'Love is a Battlefield.' She won't tell me if she was singing from experience, although I have my suspicions."

The Chief scowled at him. "Permission to hit our pilot, Commander?"

Shepard signed. "Regrettably, denied. All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put that fragile egg back together again."

Ashley crossed her arms and leaned back against her chair. "Damn."

Kaidan leaned in to speak, his fingertips nearly touching Shepard's on the table. She felt her heart rate increase at his proximity. They'd been flirting for weeks now, skirting the line between what was friendly and what was completely inappropriate. "Did I miss your song?" he asked, the gravel in his voice heating up the room.

A tiny, inelegant snort escaped her mouth before Shepard could rein it in. "I'm pulling rank on this one, Lieutenant. No one wants to hear me sing."

Joker perked up at this. "I'm pretty certain that's not true, Commander, "he said. "I, for one, would pay good money to see _that_ show."

"Tell you what, Flight Leutenant," Shepard addressed her pilot. "Make sure you're listening in the next time we encounter some Geth. I'll belt out a tune so lovely, they'll lay down their arms and surrender just to make the noise stop. How's that sound?"

Joker grinned, "perfectly acceptable, Ma'am."

Ashley leaned back into their table, apparently over her little spat. "What about you LT?" She asked Kaidan. "Scuttlebutt says you've got a voice that could make angels cry."

Shepard was delighted to see a burst of pink, color the Lieutenant's cheeks. "I don't know where you heard that, Chief," he said, "but I'm sure I'm not _that_ impressive."

"You been holding out on me, Kaidan?" The Commander flashed him a wide grin, which just made Kaidan's blush deepen. "You got a set of golden pipes under that uniform?"

"That's what _she_ said." Joker quipped, and Shepard poked him hard in the fleshy part of his side. "Ow! Watch the ribs," he cried, rubbing the offended area.

Kaidan inspected his fingers for a moment before slowly looking up to meet her gaze. "I may," he told her, his voice rough and breathy, and settling low in her belly, "have been told a time or two that I can passably carry a tune."

Ashley inspected the datapad with the list of participants. "Pressly's the last one and he's just about finished," she announced. "All you have to do is pick a song."

"I don't know," Kaidan glanced at the table again, "I just got here. Isn't' there someone else who'd like to go? Have the Alien members of our crew had a chance? Maybe they've never experienced Karaoke before."

Shepard shook her head. "Wrex refused, on the grounds that this is an inexcusable waste of time. Liara looked like she was going to burst into tears when I even suggested she do anything in front of a crowd. Tali sang a lovely, if somewhat creative, rendition of 'Somewhere over the Rainbow,' and Joker managed to con Garrus into performing 'Baby Got Back,' much to the delight of most of the crew."

Kaidan stared wide eyed at his Commander for a second, before bursting into amused chuckles. "You're kidding, "he said, just as Pressly was climbing down off the crate pallet.

"I almost wish I was," she quipped back at him with a smirk.

Kaidan frowned. "If Pressly's the last one, I'm sure everyone is ready to go about their business elsewhere. I'll do something next time." He made to get up, but Shepard clasped his hand, halting his retreat.

"Please," she insisted, pleading with her eyes. "Do it for me?"

Kaidan visibly swallowed. "Alright," he whispered, clearing his throat, "for you."

Outwardly, she was as calm and collected as usual, but Shepard's inner teenage girl squealed with glee as Kaidan approached the makeshift stage. She gave him a reassuring smile and he punched a command into the console she and Ashley had set up earlier. A moment later, an upbeat, jazzy tune filled the crew deck.

When Kaidan opened his mouth to sing, everyone else's jaw dropped too. Shepard very nearly stopped breathing.

"_I've got you under my skin_," her lieutenant crooned in an unbelievably gorgeous baritone. "_I've got you deep in the heart of me_."

"Holy God!" Joker was almost speechless.

Ashley looked incredulously at her Commander. "It's like Sinatra himself is back from the dead!"

Shepard was fairly certain a few of the engineering crew in the first row were ready to swoon. Hell, _she_ was ready to swoon. Kaidan's voice was sexy as hell while he was speaking. While singing, it was liable to cause spontaneous orgasms. Shepard was very nearly there herself.

"Shit, Commander," Ashley leaned over and let her voice get low enough to not be overheard. "I knew you guys had a little bit of a thing for each other, but I didn't know it went this deep. Whew!" She fanned her fingers in front of her flushed face. "I'm almost jealous now."

Shepard feigned ignorance. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Please," Ashley rolled her eyes. "He's doing a good job of not staring at you the _whole_ time he's singing, but it's close. And just listen to the lyrics, Commander. Why do you think he chose this song?"

Shepard sat quietly for a moment, letting herself hear the Lieutenant's seductive baritone.

"_I tried so not to give in  
And I said to myself this affair never will go so well  
But why should I try to resist, when baby I know so well  
That I've got you under my skin."_

"It's just a song." Shepard insisted. "it doesn't mean anything."

Ash snorted. "Who are you trying to convince?" She gestured towards the man, still crooning out the sweet love song. Kaidan turned to look directly at his Commander before beginning the next verse. The tension was palpable.

"_I would sacrifice anything come what might  
for the sake of having you near  
in spite of a warning voice  
That comes in the night and repeats,  
how it yells in my ear."_

Shepard felt her heart flutter as a mix of dread and arousal swirled into her gut. "I'm in trouble, aren't I Ash?"

The young woman laid a comforting hand on her commander's shoulder and sighed. "so, so deep."

* * *

_A/N: Please take the time to review. Every single one of them makes my entire day.  
_

_Joker sings "Sweet Caroline," as sung by Neil Diamond. My inspiration for the scene where the entire crew sings along with the chorus comes from personal experience. My husband is a volunteer firefighter and that is exactly what happens whenever someone sings or plays this song at the firehouse. I have no idea why._

_Kaidan sings "I've Got You Under My Skin," by Frank Sinatra. I always figured Kaidan would sound a lot like him, and they both have that old world romantic feel to them. So, I thought it fit. I hope you agree._

_All the other songs mentioned were chosen for very specific reasons, some of them more meaningful than others. _

_And yes, I know all the music I chose would be about 200 years old to these characters, however I wanted to pick real music, so chalk it up to artistic license.  
_


	2. Part 2: The Second Time

**Serenade**

**Genre:** A Female Commander Shepard/Kaidan Alenko fanfiction

**Description:** Five times Kaidan Alenko sang to his Commander Shepard, and one time he didn't**.**

**Warning: **This chapter is NSFW. In fact, it's almost PWP. I refuse to apologize. This will be the only smut in the entire story. **  
**

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**The Second Time:  
**

His skin was smooth, damp with sweat, and unbelievably warm. Shepard couldn't get enough of touching him. If she'd had one wish at that moment, it would have been to cocoon them both in the cheap, white, linen hotel sheets and never let either of them emerge. Kaidan moaned, burying his face more deeply into the pillow, as she brushed her palms up his flanks. Her fingertips caressed him slowly, memorizing every freckle and scar on the otherwise perfect skin of his back. She traced strong lines of ridged muscle, stroked over the hills and valleys of his ribs. Salt exploded on her tongue as she trailed a line of hot kisses up his spine.

"Mmmmm….." he hummed in sleepy appreciation, as Shepard's lips reached the top of his shoulder. She gently nipped the skin there with her teeth, and his beautiful brown eyes shot open.

"Good morning, sleepy head, "she crooned against his skin. "Did you have good dreams?"

Kaidan sighed as he rolled from his front to face her. "Amazing, unbelievable ones," he said with a lazy smile, before reaching up to smooth a lock of ginger hair behind her ear. "Seeing you next to me, like this…it makes it hard to believe I'm actually awake now."

Shepard couldn't help it; her entire body tingled with joy at his silly, romantic words. She grinned widely, feeling the emotion shine out of her eyes and just knowing this response was clearly written all over her face. However, for some unfathomable reason, she didn't want to hide it from him anyway.

"Come here," he said, pulling her into his arms and rolling her beneath him. His palms caressed her cheeks, fingertips smoothing her hair back to get a better view of her features. She wrapped her legs around his narrow hips, hissing when the proof of his arousal ground into her wet heat. "What have you done to me?" He rasped. "We saved the whole damn citadel, destroyed an ancient killing machine, and are rewarded with a measly two days of shore leave before we get shipped out again. And instead of calling my parents, or catching up on sleep, or even requisitioning some better equipment, I snuck into a hotel with my commanding officer, and have barely left her bed for nearly forty hours. And still," he said, grinding his pelvis against hers for emphasis, "all I want to do is bury myself inside you, again and again."

Arching her back and using his own weight against him, Shepard managed to reverse their positions, straddling his hips and digging her knees into the mattress for leverage. Kaidan sat up, placing his chest flush against hers, and palmed her cheeks again.

"You are so damn beautiful," he said breathlessly, before crushing his lips to hers in an ardent kiss.

Shepard's hands couldn't be in enough places at once. She clutched his shoulders, ran her fingers up to caress his neck, scratched her nails up through his glorious dark curls. She felt desperate and wanton and, for the first time, just as beautiful as Kaidan claimed her to be. He made her feel a plethora of confusing contradictions. In his arms she felt both strong enough to take on anything, and safer than she'd ever been.

His lips traveled over the tendons in her neck, leaving hot, open mouthed kisses on his way down. Shepard gasped as he took one of her pert nipples between his lips and lightly suckled it. She moaned, almost completely undone, when he captured its twin and rolled the little nub between his finger and thumb. She felt the cool sheets at her back as he gently laid her down against the bed. His hot mouth continued to travel southward.

"I want to taste you everywhere," he claimed, proving it as he flicked his tongue into her navel. "I want to make you scream. I want you to forget that anyone else has ever made you feel even half as good as this."

She opened her mouth, wanted to tell him that no one had ever even come close, but the only sound that came out was a sharp moan as his lips found her core. "More," she gasped, as he licked a long line up her slit. He obliged, wrapping his lips around the tiny bud at her center and sucking, hard.

She fisted handfuls of the linen sheets, crying out as she bucked against his mouth. "More!" she demanded again, managing to get the word out through a clenched jaw. He chuckled lightly before plunging two long fingers into her tight sheath.

Shepard screamed as her climax hit her like a freight train. It stole her breath, brought tears to her eyes, and left her shaking all over. She panted heavily as Kaidan massaged her clit a few more times with his tongue, letting the aftershocks ripple through her body.

"Shit," she breathed, before erupting into decidedly girlish giggles. "Oh my God, Kaidan!"

The smirk that split his face was all smug, triumphant male. "Like that?" he practically beamed.

"Come here, you" she commanded playfully, holding her arms out for him to fill.

Kaidan crawled up her body, wiping the corner of the sheet across his mouth, before kissing her full on the lips. Shepard moaned, still able to taste herself on him, despite his attempt to rub it away. She felt the velvety tip of his erection teasing her entrance and reached down to wrap her fingers around it.

"Ugh," he grunted, as she firmly stroked his length. He leaned his forehead into hers, his breath heavy and panting against her face with glide of her fingers. "Please," he pleaded. She twisted her hand a little. "Oh God, Baby, I need to be inside you right now."

She arched up and they moaned in unison as he finally slid home. After a day and half of frequent lovemaking, and the powerful orgasm Kaidan had just given her, Shepard was deliciously sensitive inside. Each stroke was just on the good edge of pain; sharp and sweet and rippling through her core in one long wave of cyclical pleasure.

She palmed the globes of his ass in each hand, pulling him into her even deeper than before, and feeling his muscles clench with each thrust. Overwhelmed, she bit into the flesh of shoulder, muffling her cries against his skin. His pace quickened; his rhythm becoming erratic. He wasn't going to last long this time, but Shepard didn't care. She wanted… _no,_ she corrected herself; she _needed_ him to lose control.

Rolling them over at the last minute, Shepard managed to keep him inside her as she took charge. He clasped her hips tightly in his hands, bending his knees and grinding up into her as she rode him from above. It only took a few more deep thrusts for Kaidan to finally let go. He threw his head back with a guttural cry, and Shepard felt his whole body shudder as he emptied himself inside her.

Suddenly overcome with intense exhaustion, Shepard collapsed onto Kaidan's chest in a sweaty heap of sated nerves and limp muscle. He rolled her onto the mattress and tucked her into his side, pillowing her cheek in the hollow of his shoulder.

"I think," he panted, " that I'm finally done, at least for a good while." He kissed the top of her head, letting out a satisfied chuckle into her hair.

She smirked up at him, calling his bluff. "Not that I'm complaining, mind you, but that's what you said about fifteen hours ago, before joining me in the shower to 'save water.' I'm pretty sure you said it again, when we were going to go out for some food, but didn't make it past the elevator; and then again, after we got room service and you decided to use me as your dinner plate."

Kaidan laughed in earnest now, jostling Shepard around in his mirth. "And whose fault do you suppose that is, Commander, hmm?"

"Oh," she exclaimed, straddling his hips once again to stare down at him. "So I'm '_Commander'_ again, am I?"

"Absolutely," he teased. "And as my commanding officer, it is your duty to take full responsibility for all actions I make on your behalf."

"Is that so, _Lieutenant?" _He just smirked at her."I don't seem to remember ever actually ordering you to do any of those things."

"I respectfully disagree, ma'am; unless of course it was someone else crying out," his voice raised an octave, "more, Kaidan, more!"

Heat rushed into her cheeks at his words and she retaliated by smacking a pillow against the side of his head.

"Oh!" he exclaimed, throwing her fluffy weapon to the floor. "So, I'm to be punished for insubordination now, am I?" She squealed as he tackled her back down to the bed beneath him.

"Admit I am not to blame for your recent sex addiction," she commanded, still laughing as he nuzzled his face against her neck.

"I would," Kaidan countered, "but my mother taught me not to lie, and you are most definitely to blame."

Hers face split into a wide, triumphant grin. "Enlighten me."

"Everything about you demands my attention," he claimed, "your bravery, your intelligence, your sense of humor." He pinched her side, just to hear her giggle. "Your sexy laugh, your gorgeous smile," he kissed her lips, "your perfect breasts…"

Shepard rolled her eyes. "They're small," she complained.

"Hey!" Kaidan pulled a wounded expression. "Don't you go insulting two of my most favorite things in the galaxy." He cupped each of the soft mounds in his hands. "Not too big," he assessed, feeling their weight, "and not too small. Like I said, perfect."

"Well, thanks." Shepard bit her bottom lip as pink heat spread across her cheeks.

"I can never seem to get my fill," he told her, "and it is entirely your fault. Every time I look at you, hell," he corrected, "every time I even think of you, I'm ready to find a corner somewhere to pleasure you until you're screaming my name."

Shepard frowned, suddenly thrown out of their perfect moment. "It's going to be so much harder to do that in…" she glanced at the terminal across the room, "…about seven hours. I don't know how I'm going to go back to pretending you're just another officer under my command."

Kaidan sighed, before wrapping his arms around her and once again tucking her into his side. "Part of me doesn't give a damn about the regs anymore," he told her. "I wish I could claim you in front of the entire crew; just take you in my arms and kiss you on the command deck for everyone to see."

"Well," she huffed, "_that_ would certainly give them something to talk about."

He buried his face against her neck and chuckled, his whole body shaking in sudden amusement.

"What?" She tapped him on the shoulder, trying to bring his attention back to her. "What's so funny?"

He pulled away, wiping tears from his eyes as he attempted to rein in his mirth. "It's just a memory that struck me as funny, that's all." he told her, moving to settle onto his back. "My mom used to sing this old song while she did the housework sometimes, and I never realized what it was about until I grew up and finally listened to the entire thing. I was just thinking the lyrics fit our situation almost perfectly."

Shepard followed his movement, rolling to face him and placing her palm against his chest. "Will you sing it for me," she asked, playing with the light dusting of hair on his skin, "please?"

He captured her hand in his, bringing it to his mouth to kiss each fingertip. "Are you sure?"

A little thrill shot through her at the possibility of once again hearing Kaidan's extraordinarily sexy baritone. "Definitely," she assured him.

"_Let's give them something to talk about, babe," _he sang out, a bit of unexpected country twang coloring his remarkable voice. "_A little mystery to figure out…"_

Shepard erupted into giggles as he mimicked the guitar riff with his mouth.

"_Let's give them something to talk about, how about l…." _Kaidan stopped, mid note, a wave of startled panic moving across his features."

Reaching out to touch his face, Shepard felt dark stubble scrape her palm as she gently forced him to meet her gaze. The sincerity she saw in his burnt caramel colored eyes made her heart swell at least five sizes. "Love?" she asked him, her voice barely more than a whisper.

Kaidan's whole body relaxed instantly. A pleasant, relieved smile stretched across his mouth. "_Love_," he agreed, singing out the final lyrics against her lips, "_Love, love, love…"_

* * *

_Author's notes: _

_* Please take the time to leave me a review. Every single one is a treasure to me.  
_

_* This was my first attempt at writing a significant amount of detailed smut. Please be kind. _

___* Kaidan sing's "Something to Talk About," by Bonnie Raitt._  



	3. Part 3: The Third Time

**The Third Time  
**

Shepard took another swig of jack, straight from the bottle, and hiccuped a tiny sob. "Bastard," she moaned, "Stupid, son of a bitch!" She stumbled around her ridiculously spacious cabin for a moment, before slumping heavily into the office chair. It rolled with her momentum, slamming her into the edge of her desk. A few drops of whiskey sloshed out of the bottle, staining Shepard's standard issued Cerberus uniform. "Now see what you've gone and made me do?" She yelled to the empty room. "Why couldn't you just… I just wanted…" But what had Shepard wanted? She wasn't so sure.

Well, she thought, taking another swig and grimacing as the eighty proof alcohol burned its way down her throat. She certainly knew what she didn't want. She didn't want to wake up in an enemy laboratory, covered in unfamiliar scars and surrounded by unfamiliar people. She didn't want to traipse across the galaxy, saving the universe, again, from people who refused to believe they needed saving…_again_. And most of all, she didn't want the man she loved to accuse her of faking her own death, just so she could turn traitor against the Alliance.

The Jack bottle made a satisfying smash against the metal stairs. Amber liquid and shards of glass splattered everywhere. "Damn you!" she screeched, tears starting to blur her already impaired vision. The Alliance was her family, and for a few brief, but beautiful months, Kaidan had been her home. How dare he accuse her of betraying either of them?

Shepard let out another broken sob and leaned over the desk, fingers stabbing through her messy, ginger hair. She knew what she wanted now. She wanted to wake up from this nightmare. She wanted Kaidan to take her into his arms, like he had a few hours ago, before figuring out she was working with Cerberus. She wanted him to tell her he still loved her, that everything was going to be alright.

She glanced over to the framed photo on the other side of her desk. Kaidan's handsome face smiled back at her, mocking her pain. "Why?" she asked the picture, brokenly. "Why didn't you trust me? I know it's crazy, but I promise I'm me and I'm really back. I didn't fake it," she cried. "I really did die.

"Oh God," she moaned, as the reality of her situation sunk home for the first time. "I _died_." Shepard had well and truly been dead for two years. What the hell did that mean; on a cosmic level, on a physical one? Questions like that were well above her pay grade.

Feeling particularly morbid and more than a little drunk, she opened the extranet on her personal terminal and typed 'Commander Shepard funeral' into the search box. Half a second later she was shocked to see over1,500,000,000 results pop up on the screen.

"Damn, "she huffed, opening the first vid. "Save a few council members, and suddenly you're a celebrity."

The scene opened on what looked like large, open arena, in a part of the Citadel that hadn't been hit too hard by Sovereign's attack. There were flowers of every color and flags of every nationality. The multi-species audience was so large it trailed past the visual range of the camera filming the event. One entire side of the hall was packed with attendees almost exclusively dressed in formal Alliance Navy blues. It was a ridiculously elaborate event for a simple soldier, with no blood relatives to speak of.

The camera focused in on the stage and Shepard could see most of the Council members, plus Admiral Hackett, behind the podium. They were sitting awkwardly in folding chairs, shifting around and purposely not looking at one another. The view panned to the first row of guests. Shepard was both saddened and pleased to see some of her crew from the first Normandy were in attendance. Liara was sobbing messily into a bright green handkerchief, while Tali, her expression as unreadable as usual, patiently patted her back in what seemed like a comforting gesture. Joker was slumped next to them, pale as death, silent as the grave, and completely void of his usual vitality.

Before Shepard could identify anyone else, the band began to play and the view switched to a different camera feed. A coffin, empty of course, and covered in a System's Alliance flag on one end and a large Council Spectre emblem on the other, was being carried down the long aisle by four pall bearers. Her throat tightened considerably when the picture zoomed in on their faces.

Captain David Anderson supported the front left corner of the symbolic casket. His shoulders were square and firm; his face a blank, expressionless mask. To the captain's right, was the man foremost on Shepard's mind. Kaidan wasn't quite doing as good a job as Anderson at hiding his emotions. The Leutenant looked like he was barely holding it together: red rimmed eyes; tense, pulsing jaw.

"Way to keep it a secret, Alenko," she croaked, feeling a few more hot tears drip off her chin.

Shifting her eyes from the pain she could see in his, Shepard examined the two males behind him. Garrus Vakarian and Urdnot Wrex were somberly holding up the rear of her casket, both dressed more formerly than she'd ever seen them. Shepard snorted inelegantly when she realized that Wrex probably could have carried the whole damn box down the aisle by himself, especially without her body actually in it.

She listened to the first few minutes of the first few speeches, skipping through most of the political word vomit the council members insisted on spouting. She teared up some more when Anderson said some pretty nice things about her, and laughed along with the crowd when he told _that_ story about her stint in basic training. An adorable troop of Asari children danced around her casket, throwing flowers while chanting a blessing for the dead. A retired Turian Spectre, one she'd never had the occasion to actually meet, read a poem about valor and sacrifice.

And then, just when she thought the ceremony was finally wrapping up, Anderson called Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko to the stage.

"No," she cried, knowing with utmost certainty what he'd been called to do. There was only one time-honored Navy funeral tradition that had yet to be performed. She held her breath as he approached the podium and stared out into the crowd. Dread burned in her chest, churned in her stomach. It just wasn't fair.

Unable to make herself turn off the vid, Shepard listened, heartsick, as Kaidan's beautiful baritone belted out the first few verses of the official Navy hymn, "Eternal Father, Strong to Save." The traditional lyrics, asking God for protection for those 'in peril on the sea,' fell from his lips in practiced confidence. It wasn't until he reached the last verse, the one adopted by the Navy's space and exploration program, that anyone could guess anything was wrong. His strong voice never wavered. His ridged stance never slouched a fraction of an inch. But twin trails of glistening tears slowly made their way down his cheeks, as he sang the final few lines.

"_Eternal Father, King of birth,_

_Who didst create the heaven and Earth,_

_And bid the planets and the sun_

_Their own appointed orbits run;_

_O' hear us when we seek thy grace_

_For those who soar through outer space."_

Kaidan finished his solo and remained at attention, still silently crying as a lone bugle started playing a mournful rendition of Taps. His hand came up in a perfect, rigid salute as the empty coffin was rolled back down the aisle.

Shepard wondered if it was as obvious to everyone else, that this was more than just a soldier mourning his commanding officer. He looked fragile, right on the edge of breaking into a million pieces. Suddenly, all her fury burned up and floated away like so much ash. Great, heaving sobs built up inside her chest and Shepard had to bite her fist to keep them somewhat contained. How could she stay angry with him when presented with irrefutable proof of his grief? How could she blame him for distrusting her return, when her death had hurt him so very much?

"I'm sorry," she whispered, reaching up to trace his familiar features with her fingertips. "I miss you, too."

* * *

_author's note:_

_Kaidan sings the Navy Hymn of both the British and United States Navy and marines, **"Eternal Father, Strong to Save."**__ It is sung at many different official events, including State funerals (like the one for former President Ronald Regan) and has been featured on many television series and movies, including James Cameron's "Titanic." The song was originally written 1860, and over time, verses have been added to include the different divisions and special operations in the military. The verse featured in this story was written 1961, specifically for astronauts. _


	4. Part 4: The Fourth Time

**The Fourth Time**: _(angst warning!)_

Dying slowly really hurt like hell.

The first time Commander Shepard expired, it was a fairly quick process. Suffocating from a ruptured air tube, with an unexplored planet at your front and a world of regret at your back, wasn't exactly the most peaceful way to go. However, it only lasted a few minutes at most, and at least the view had been spectacular.

Shepard drew in another agonized, rasping breath and felt something gurgle in her chest. This wasn't anything like dying in space. Instead of boiling inside her armor, she was bleeding out on a frigid, metallic floor. Instead of empty lungs, burning in their desperation to take in more air, she was drowning in a sea of her own fluid. It was actually a blessing to be numb from the waist down, since every bit of exposed skin she could feel was burned, broken, slashed open, or riddled with bits of debris.

At least she wasn't scared this time. After everything she'd been through: the threat of total extinction, the nights filled with either insomnia, or horrible nightmares; the friends she'd lost; the planets she'd seen burn, and the terrible choices she'd had to make; it was almost a relief for it to be nearly over.

The world of regret was pretty much gone too. Shepard had done the best she could with what she'd been given. She'd held the line, fought a good fight, and while she wasn't exactly going out swinging, this was certainly close enough. No, Shepard had no more time for regrets. Well, she thought sadly, maybe just one.

The Commander had never gone looking for love. Romance had always been one of those things she'd, "get around to," someday in a far off future that also included a desk job, a ginger cat, and maybe a kid or two. She'd had few lovers; even fewer boyfriends, and that had been perfectly alright with her, as that way it didn't interfere with her career plan.

But then she'd met a dark haired biotic, with eyes the color of sweet caramel and a voice as smooth and smoky as her favorite whiskey.

Shepard let out a sharp cry as some of the rubble supporting her back gave way. The tiny movement vibrated harshly through her battered body, sending waves of pain shooting across every active nerve. _Oh God_, she silently prayed to anyone who would listen, _just make the pain stop!_ She was ready to die, if it could just be over.

If only she could be like Thane and lose herself in a happy memory for a while. Instead of dying alone in some dark, unknown portion of the citadel, she could spend her last moments wrapped up in cotton sheets and in the arms of her lover. Kaidan would smile sweetly and kiss her lips. They'd make love. Because, despite all the bumps along the way: finding each other in the most forbidden of places; being separated by death and time and then distrust; Shepard couldn't regret it. Those last few months with him finally aboard the Normandy again had been a heavenly oasis in a galaxy gone to Hell. No, Shepard's last regret wasn't in loving Kaidan; it was that she didn't have more time to do so.

But Shepard was not a drell and could not lose herself in dreams. Although, she thought morosely, even if she were, her dreams had not been the most pleasant of places lately. It was probably better that she stayed locked in reality. It wouldn't be long now anyway. Her strength was waning considerably with each drop of blood that hit the floor and it was getting so much harder to breathe. The numbness in her legs had moved up to encompass the bottom ridge of her ribs. Even the battered room seemed to thump in time to her heart's struggling, halting beat.

Wait! Shepard was suddenly on alert. As blurry as her vision had grown, her hearing had become ever sharper. That wasn't her heartbeat thumping thorough the rubble.

"I think I found her!" Large, hulking footsteps, the kind only made by a soldier trooping around in combat boots, rushed towards her. Shepard forced a tiny smile when the large man slid to his knees at her side.

"Damn, Lola," he drawled, setting his helmet aside and staring down at her. "You are one crazy bitch, you know that?"

"Always with the flirting, Vega, "she managed to croak out. "But I know it's all talk." She hacked a tiny cough, tasted copper on her tongue. "I'm too much woman for you."

"Ain't that the truth?" He placed a finger behind his ear and spoke into the semi-darkness. "It's Vega. I've got the Commander, but she's hurt bad." Shepard coughed again. "Oh Shit," he exclaimed as blood and sputum splattered across his knees, "real bad."

"Sorry about that," she said between gasping breaths. "Guess I'm not exactly at my best right now."

"Don't you worry about that Lola," he told her, flashing an indulgent smile. "After what you just pulled off, you have a right to be a little messy."

"So, we won then?" She hadn't heard any gunfire for a while, but that didn't necessarily mean the war was over.

"Not a Reaper in the sky!" he crowed. "Don't know how the hell you did it, but a lot of folks are going to be using your name as a battle cry from here on out."

"I hope not," she said with a grimace. "I'd like to think there will be peace for a while. Otherwise, I'm dying for nothing."

The Lieutenant's eyes widened. "Don't talk like that Lola. The Major's gonna be here any second to patch you up. You're going to be good as new, and kicking my ass again in no time."

Shepard couldn't help the small whimper that left her mouth. "Kaidan made it?" Tears burned the back of her eyes at just the thought of him being so near. He'd been so upset with her when she'd forced him to evac on the Normandy.

"Barely a scratch on him now that the Doc's got him all patched up," Vega confirmed. "He absolutely insisted on being involved in your search and rescue. Half the time I think he's just as loco as you.

They both flinched at the screeching sound of metal being heavily pushed aside. Another set of footsteps, slightly lighter than the Lieutenant's had been, quickly made their way into the room.

"Speak of the Devil," James quipped, as the Major slumped to his knees beside them. "You got your kit?"

Kaidan took off his helmet and all but threw it aside in his haste to open the bag he was carrying. Shepard burst into hysterical, blindingly painful tears. She couldn't hear the commands he issued to Vega. She didn't feel the sting of the medigel syringe, or the burn of the compression bandages they wrapped around her abdomen to try and staunch the bleeding. One look at Kaidan's sweaty, grimy, three-day-old-beard covered face and she was falling all to pieces. He was seriously the most beautiful thing she had ever seen.

"Don't cry, Baby," he crooned, reaching up to smooth some medigel into a gash under her hair. "We're going to get you out of here." He turned to the Lieutenant. "She needs a real doctor and she needs one now. Call for an immediate medical evac. If they tell you no one is available, tell them we have Shepard."

"Copy that." Vega stood to do what he was told. A second later he let out an excited whoop. "Esteban! I thought you were gone for good when we saw that reaper take your shuttle down…what are you doing flying an ambulance?…. Listen, we need transport, like yesterday…no, ten minutes is too long, man. We've got Shepard and I don't know if she has that long…alright, I'll meet you in five."

Vega finished his call and knelt back down to address his commanding officers. "Cortez is on his way. I've gotta go down a level to meet him at the landing zone. You alright with her by yourself?" he asked Kaidan.

"There's not much more I can do at this point except monitor her vitals," the Major answered him. "I'm a sentinel, not a doctor, but even with my level of medical training, I know she needs blood and she needs oxygen. I don't have either. If by some miracle that shuttle's still fully stocked, bring the backboard and the respirator with you when it gets here."

"Yes, sir." The lieutenant leaned over to lightly lay a hand against Shepard's upper arm. "You hang in there, Lola," he told her. "I don't want anyone else to be my N7 trainer."

Shepard forced a slight smile through her tears. "It's been an honor, James," she managed through gritted teeth. "I know you'll make me proud."

"Count on it." He affirmed, before grabbing his helmet and stomping off into the darkness. She watched him go with a heavy heart, pretty sure she'd just said goodbye. Her chest convulsed with another broken sob that turned into more violent hacking coughs.

"I need you to calm down, Shepard," Kaidan told her urgently. "You're having trouble breathing as it is."

She sputtered a bit more, gagged on the blood coating the back of her throat. "I thought I was never going to see you again," she whimpered, more tears dripping from the corners of her eyes. "I thought I was going to die alone."

Kaidan gently palmed her face, careful not to put too much pressure on her wounds, before leaning down to touch his forehead to hers. "I'm here now and you're not going to die." He kissed her bloody lips. "I'm not going to let you."

White hot agony ripped through Shepard's chest as another coughing fit took her by surprise. Something near her ribs popped. Her vision faded to a spotted gray blur.

"No, no, no, no, no!" Kaidan's pleading voice sounded miles away. Her lungs refused to expand. Her head listed limply to the side. "Wake up Commander, that's an order!"

She felt her upper body forcibly lifted from the floor and propped up at an angle against the Major's chest. The edges of her broken bones scraped against flesh already raw from too much trauma, but when she opened her mouth to scream, her lungs miraculously opened. More blood and mucus dripped from her lips to pool on the metal floor. Her stomach emptied its meager contents in a violent, pinkish rush.

Shepard relaxed back into his arms and took a few more deep gasping breaths, before trying to speak again. "You're giving me orders now?"

Kaidan rubbed his face against her grimy hair and Shepard could feel his whole body shudder. "When we're not on your ship, I outrank you," he breathed. "Don't you dare do that to me again. I swear to God…" his voice broke.

"Sorry," she whispered. "I'm not sure if that's an order I can follow."

"It is," he insisted, before gently adjusting her position so she could see his face.

More agony ripped through her when she met his gaze. Tears were pooling in his red rimmed eyes, ready to spill over. Maybe it would have been better if he'd never come, she thought. There was nowhere else she'd rather be, but now he was going to have to watch her die. If their situations were reversed, if Kaidan were the one slipping away in her arms, she didn't think she'd ever recover.

"Just stay awake," he ordered her. "Stay with me just a little bit longer. We just have to get you to a ship with trauma unit. You're going to be okay."

"It's so selfish," she told him, "but I'm really glad you're here."

"Me too." He smiled and a tear escaped his lower lid. It left a streak in the grime before getting lost in the scruff of his beard.

"You need a shave," she said, wishing she had the strength to reach up and touch the dark stubble.

"Yeah," he chuckled. "Once we get out of here I'm going to need more than that, like a hot meal and an ever hotter shower. What is it you want most?" he asked, probably trying to keep her engaged in the conversation, keep her with him.

"I'd like a ginger cat," she whispered, thinking of that list she'd made so long ago when all she'd had was time, "and maybe a desk job."

Kaidan huffed. "You'd be bored inside an hour."

"Maybe," she agreed, "but I'd really like to have the chance to see. I've had enough of war."

"You've still got a bit of fight left in you," he insisted. "Don't you dare give up on me now. Tell me what else you want. Dream for me."

Shepard debated telling him the third thing on her ancient list. When she'd added that item it had seemed more like a task to check off, than a true desire. But now, with tomorrow seeming so impossibly beyond her grasp, she'd give almost anything for it.

"A baby," she finally told him, throwing whatever caution she had left to the wind, "with whiskey colored eyes and a dimple on his chin."

Kaidan lowered his face again and Shepard could feel moisture dripping into her hair. "Jesus, Love," he said brokenly. "You're killing me."

"I don't know much about being a mom," she continued, "and I never really thought a lot about having kids before, but I think you'd make an excellent dad. You're too good a man not to be."

Tears streaming down his face, Kaidan again looked into her eyes. There was a fire in his gaze that made her heart shudder. "Don't you think we should be married first?"

Shepard's head fell a little heavier against the curve of his arm. Her eyes fluttered and threatened to close as dizziness began to creep over her again. "Is that a proposal, Major?"

He flashed her a watery smile. "Marry me Shepard," he pleaded. "I'll give you as many babies as you want. I'll buy you that damned orange cat and we'll live happily ever after. Just stay awake, okay?"

"Okay," she breathed, but her closing lids betrayed the lie. The numbness in her body was creeping up again, reaching about halfway up her chest. Her breaths grew ever shallower, despite the fairly upright position Kaidan held her in. "Will you do something for me?" she asked.

"Anything," he agreed.

"Sing for me?" She wanted his angelic voice to be the last thing she heard.

He smiled against her skin. "Any requests?"

"Not really," she whispered. "Just pick a song that tells me you love me."

"Alright," There was a slight pause, as Kaidan took a minute to compose himself. Shepard felt his shuddering breaths puff across her cheek. "This one always makes me think of you," he said, and then his gorgeous baritone began to echo through the broken room.

"_You were my one more chance  
I never thought I'd find.  
You were the one romance,  
I've always known in my mind.  
No one will ever touch me more,  
and I only hope that in return  
I might have saved the best of me for you "_

The beautiful, crooning words reached right into her soul and Shepard tried to smile, but the muscles would no longer obey her command. She wanted to reassure him, to let Kaidan know that he had only ever given her the best of himself. Even when it had hurt, even when she wanted him to make different choices, he'd never compromised in his beliefs. And toward the end, when she was ready to collapse from the weight of the galaxy crushing in on her, it was Kaidan who held her up, kept her standing. Truth be told, it was just as much him who saved the Galaxy as it was her. If Shepard was going to live to get any medals pinned to her chest, she'd have given them all to him.

_"And we'll have no ending if we can hold on.  
I think I've come this far because of you.  
Could be, no other love but ours will do."_

Hot tears dripped onto Shepard's face from above and mixed with her own, before sliding to the floor. Even so, Kaidan didn't stop his song. The sounds were becoming more muffled as her strength waned even further, but she strained to hear the last verse, desperate for just a few more moments with him.

_"No one will ever touch me more  
and I only hope that in return,  
no matter how much we have to learn,  
that I might have saved the very best of me for you."_

His voice trailed off with the last note and Shepard sighed, grateful to have been loved so very much. Every muscle in her body went limp as the last dregs of her strength leached away. Kaidan moved quickly when her head sagged over his arm. She felt the floor at her back, the rubble once again digging into her flesh, but it no longer hurt.

"Shepard!" Kaidan's voice sounded far away, as if he were screaming through a tunnel. He tapped her cheeks, but she couldn't respond. "Don't do this, Baby. Stay with me!" He let out a great, heaving sob and Shepard felt a stab of regret flare through her cloudy mind. She wanted to tell him she loved him. She wanted to wrap her arms around him and never let go, but she was out of time.

"I can hear the shuttle team," he cried into her ear and just as he said it she could feel their stomping footsteps vibrating through the floor. "Just hold on for a few more minutes. Shepard, I'm ordering you not to die. Do you hear me? We've made it too far for us to lose it all now." His voice trailed off into gasping, incoherent tears. "Please!"

He gathered her into his arms again, rocking them back and forth as he wept bitterly into her hair. She felt her battered lungs slowly emptying and didn't have the strength to fill them up again. The shuttle team finally raced into the room, shouting and carelessly throwing bits of debris around in their haste. Shepard's last thought, as everything faded away and her heart pumped out its final halting beat, was that dying slowly really hurt like hell.

* * *

_Author's notes:_

_* That is the saddest thing I have ever written. I was actually bawling as I wrote it last night. I hope it worked for you. I suppose I'm sorry either way. _

_* Before you show up on my doorstep with flaming torches and pitchforkes, remember we have two more chapters to go._

_ * Kaidan sings "Best of Me," by Michael Buble' and I suggest you listen to it with caution. I wish I could have included all of the lyrics of the song in this chapter, as I really think they fit Kaidan's relationship with Shepard to a T, but I didn't want to overdue it. _

_ * Thank you so much for reading and reviewing_


	5. Part 5a: Intermission

**Part 5A: "Intermission" **

The woman in the mirror was so breathtakingly beautiful, Shepard barely recognized her. Gone were the purple shadows that marred the flesh beneath her eyes for so long. The stress lines in the corners of her mouth and the faint scar across the bridge of her nose had both been smoothed over as well. Instead, her entire visage was covered in unblemished, porcelain skin. A halo of delicate ginger curls bounced playfully against her cheekbones. Expertly applied powders and liquid liner made her bright, emerald eyes seem even larger than usual. Her lips were pink and lush and sensual, despite the tiny frown they formed.

The white satin gown she wore, designed especially for her by an army of enthusiastic volunteers, was by far the loveliest piece of fabric ever to touch her skin. The strapless, empire waisted confection was simple in form, but featured swirling embroidery on the bust and lower skirt. Layered ribbons of deep "Alliance Blue" wrapped around the dress, just below her breasts and on the top and bottom hems. Tiny, satin buttons cascaded from between her shoulder blades, all the way down her back. They stopped where the embroidery started, the skirt flaring out into a short, elegant train. As different as night and day from what she'd usually wear into battle, this dress was in itself a kind of armor. It hid the scars that makeup couldn't cover. It was going to show all the waiting guests in the other room, and every single viewer on the extranet, exactly what they expected to see. She looked young and healthy, the perfect bride to be.

It was really too bad it was all an illusion.

Shepard fingered the long strip of gauzy fabric she held in her hands and angrily blinked back tears. In less than ten minutes she was supposed to walk down a long, flower strewn aisle to pledge her fidelity and devotion to the only man she'd ever loved. Beyond that, Admiral Hackett had insisted they allow the event to be broadcast live, in an attempt to boost public morale. Her journey down the aisle was more than just a symbol of love now; it was meant to be a victory walk. She'd conquered the reapers. She'd conquered death, over and over again. This was supposed to be the happiest day of her life. She'd earned the right to it, and yet, she was in too much pain to even reach up and clip the veil into her hair.

Limping gingerly, she slowly made her way across the small office-turned-dressing room. Each step felt like walking on shards of broken glass, but she finally made it to the old fashioned brocade sofa, where she'd earlier stashed a small gray bag. Inside were four glass vials, two of which were already empty and it wasn't even noon yet. Shepard prepared double her usual dose, trying not to think about how quickly the drugs were starting to wear off. With a sigh, she propped a leg up on top of the cushions and slowly rolled down one silk stocking.

"You just about ready, Shepard?" She froze instantly as Garrus Vakarian strode into the little room. His tall, angular body looked slightly awkward in the rather humanly styled black suit and navy blue bow tie. "I think the natives are getting a bit restless," he quipped, only to pause when he finally got a good look at her. "What the hell are you doing?"

Startled, the Commander hastily draped the long, white skirt back over her bare leg and sat down with a sigh. "Busted?" she asked, holding up the long, angry looking syringe she'd been about to plunge into her thigh.

"You could say that," he agreed, before settling down next to her on the plush sofa. He plucked the needle out of her unresisting fingers and held it up in front of her face. The pink liquid inside rolled back and forth as he twiddled it in his talons. "You mind telling me what's going on?"

Shepard gaped like a teenager caught steeling condoms from her parents' bedroom. "Um…" she stuttered, groping desperately for something intelligent to say. "It's not what it looks like?"

Garrus's mandibles flared in agitation. "It looks like I just found my best friend about ready to shoot some pretty heavy pain killers, just so she can make it down the aisle in a few minutes."

"Alright," she acquiesced, having the good sense to look a little sheepish. "Maybe it's exactly what it looks like."

"What the hell, Shepard?" He stood to pace to the other side of the small office. "Have you been doing this for long? Does Kaidan know?"

"It's not something you need to worry about," she insisted frantically, "I have this under control."

"Shepard," the name was drawn out; one long, sour note of disappointment.

"Fine," she huffed; crossing her arms beneath her breasts and leaning back heavily against the cushions. "I've needed the injections on and off for the past couple of months, but lately it has been a bit more on than off. The more I use them, the less they work. And no," she added, sitting up to glare at him, "Kaidan doesn't know. I'd like it to stay that way, at least until after the ceremony."

Garrus's whole frame slumped a little. "Spirits, Shepard! How could you hide this from him?" He placed a three fingered palm to his chest, "from all of us? There isn't a single person in that chapel out there that wouldn't walk through fire for you. Hell," he added, moving to kneel before her. "Some of us have."

"I know, Garrus." Her voice was tight, pain and guilt wreaking havoc on her fragile emotions. "But you don't have to do that anymore. I'm fine. I just…"

"You are not fine!" He clasped her hands tightly, forcing her attention downward. Shepard flinched when she saw the depth of concern in his icy blue eyes. "You led us all to believe your treatments were over, that you were healthy again. Obviously that isn't the case. I'm not even going to ask how you hid it from the man you've been living with, because something tells me I don't want to know. What you are going to tell me is why you've been lying and exactly how bad it is?"

Shepard couldn't look him in the eye anymore; she stared anywhere but. "You wouldn't understand."

"Who do you think you're talking to, Shepard? Who is it that's supported you from the very beginning? Who has believed you at every turn and who has never turned their back on you?"

"Tali," she answered petulantly.

Garrus's mandibles twitched in the turian version of a smirk. "Well," he chuckled, "her too, I suppose. Come on Shepard, you know you can trust me."

She sighed in defeat and Garrus moved to settle himself next to her once again. "Do you remember all that time I spent in the hospital?" she asked.

He nodded grimly, "of course."

She thought about the past year: finally defeating the reapers; thinking she was going to die alone on that cold concrete floor; Kaidan, miraculously appearing out of the rubble to hold her in what she thought were her final moments. She'd felt herself die, breathed a final breath as Kaidan screamed her name, only to wake up days later in an alliance hospital ICU. She'd been there for months as a team of doctors and ex-Cerberus scientists pieced her back together…again. Half her implants had been completely decimated and needed replacement. They'd had to amputate, clone, and then reattach her left leg below the knee, one of her kidneys, half a lung, four vertebrae, and part of her spinal column. Once she'd healed from that, she'd begun the grueling process of learning how to walk again.

"Everyone was so much more patient with me, than I was," she told her friend. "Kaidan especially was beyond amazing. As one of the highest ranking officers still able to stand upright, the Alliance had him working almost constantly and he still found the time to visit me every day."

"I remember," Garrus assured her. "He kept bringing you gifts."

"Oh, I know!" she exclaimed. "I couldn't believe it. Just having him there was more than enough, but it was like he couldn't bear to show up empty handed. He brought me a terry cloth robe one time, and a datapad filled with old adventure stories. If he couldn't find anything salvageable during his recovery work, he'd save me a piece of fruit from his rations. Once he even picked me a bouquet of dandelions!" She smiled fondly and chuckled; remembering the adorable, sheepish look on his face as he'd presented them to her." Kaidan actually kept apologizing for that last one, because the fluffy, yellow flowers are essentially considered weeds, but they might as well have been roses. I was just glad _something_ was still growing out there."

"Didn't he also get you that wall climbing, little beast?" Garrus's usually flat nose wrinkled in disgust.

Shepard wrapped an arm around her belly and laughed in earnest. She remembered the day Kaidan arrived at the hospital, covered in dust and holding a small, mewling box. She'd just woken up from a pretty invasive surgery and was feeling particularly unpleasant. One look at the tiny, tabby kitten inside however, and Shepard had fallen instantly in love. Garrus's reaction upon first meeting her new pet hadn't been quite as positive.

"You never did like D.J." she pointed out, "although it wasn't for lack of trying on her part."

Garrus shuddered. "The fuzzy terror was obsessed with digging her needle-like claws into my plates. If she wasn't climbing up my tunic like rachni worker, the little stealth bomber was jumping on me from a bookcase or something. You humans should have employed the damn things as your secret weapon against the reapers. War would have been over that much sooner."

"Garrus Vakarian," Shepard drawled, "afraid of a widdle putty tat."

"Keep laughing, Shepard," he told her. "Next time you visit Palaven, I'll introduce you to what we consider pets."

"Bring it," she challenged. "DJ and I can take whatever you dish out."

"I'm sure," he agreed. "The little fuzz ball is terrifying. I still can't believe you convinced the hospital staff to let her stay. And what kind of a name is 'Dee Jay,' anyway?"

She smiled. "D.J. stands for 'Desk Job.'"

Garrus cocked his head to the side a little. "I'm still confused here, Shepard."

"It's kind of an inside joke," she continued. "While I was dying on board the Citadel, Kaidan promised me anything I wanted as long as I stayed with him. Two of the things I asked for were a ginger cat and a desk job. We just decided to kill two birds with one stone, especially since I wasn't going to be working anywhere for the foreseeable future. Plus, Kaidan claims she's the only desk job I'll ever actually enjoy so…" She let the thought trail off.

"That man loves you to pieces," Garrus said gruffly.

"I know," she agreed, letting him see the regret in her eyes. "That's exactly my point. I was broken in so many ways. I had sixteen surgeries and then I had to learn how to walk again. They had to sedate me every night for months, or I couldn't sleep, because every time I closed my eyes the dead came back to haunt me. I was in pain. I was impatient. I was rude. Some days I was downright mean to him, because I couldn't deal with my reality and he was convenient to take it out on." She felt tears burning at her eyes, but blinked them away. "Kaidan never once complained, at least not to me. There's probably some poor ensign somewhere who has never met Jack and thinks their Major is the true 'Psycotic Biotic. "Her face softened, her lips turned up in a tiny smile. "But he was always an angel to me, Garrus, even on my worst days."

Her friend chuckled. "Knowing Kaidan, his ire was probably vented into demolishing some toppled rubble somewhere, rather than on that poor ensign. I got an occasional earful as well."

"Wow," she sighed, pushing two fingers into the ridge of her forehead. "That's not embarrassing at all."

"It shouldn't be," he insisted. "That's what love is all about, Shepard. When someone you care about needs you, you do whatever it takes."

"I know," she told him. "That's how far Kaidan went for me when I needed him. It's how far all of you have gone. I've been trying to do the same."

"By hiding your pain?" Garrus's expression was incredulous. "Shepard, how you could possibly think that was a good idea, that it would benefit anyone?"

"It was supposed to benefit _everyone_," she countered. "Everything was going so well. I was finally out of the hospital and sharing temporary officers' housing with Kaidan. Hackett insisted we turn what was supposed to be a simple wedding, into a bit of a public statement, but we had lots of help to plan it, so that was okay too. What's left of the Council started sending me a bit of administration work, researching potential Spectres and such, to slowly work my way back towards active duty. I'd even finally managed to get Kaidan to stop handling me like glass in the bedroom…"

Garrus flinched. "That's enough detail right there, Shepard."

"Oh, whatever," she rolled her eyes. "My point is that everything was finally looking up."

"What changed?"

Shepard let out a long sigh. "A few months ago, I started dropping things. A datapad would slip out of my fingers without my permission, or I'd lose my grip on a glass of water and have it shatter all over the floor. It was happening regularly enough to be disconcerting, and that was before I started tripping over perfectly level ground. Over the following week I grew progressively clumsier. I finally called the doctor when the pain started."

"What's wrong?" he asked urgently. "What causes something like that?"

"My implants are malfunctioning," she told him, a tiny edge working its way into her voice. "Every single one that wasn't replaced last year is shorting out from some scientific explanation well beyond my pay grade. I'm slowly losing function in every system they control. The first things affected were muscle control, motor function, and nerve receptors. I'm weak, clumsy, and in pain, but it isn't life threatening." She sighed, "at least for now."

"Shepard," Her name came out as a hiss of pain. He turned to face her, the palm of one clawed hand reaching up to gently clasp her chin. "Tell me this is fixable." His icy blue gaze bored into hers. "Tell me we didn't defeat the reapers only to lose you to a bit of piss poor Cerberus tech."

"It's fixable," she assured him, pushing his hand away, "but not without another set of invasive surgeries."

"Oh," he drawled, and Shepard could swear she saw the gears in his head clicking into place. "I see."

"I tried to tell him," she whispered, and the tears she'd been fighting all morning finally escaped to slide down her cheeks. "But when Kaidan got home that night he was too excited for me to get a word in. He'd found our wedding rings, you see. Mine is this unbelievably gorgeous thing; tension set, platinum, with the diamond flush against the metal so it won't catch on anything. They were perfect, and he was so damn happy. How could I tell him, Garrus?" She choked on a sob. "How could I look the man I love in the eye and tell him that, despite standing by my side while I recovered for over a year, instead of getting to marry me, he was going to have to do it all over again?"

"So, your brilliant plan was to hide your condition until it killed you?" Garrus's tone was incredulous.

"No," she cried. "I just wanted to buy some time. The drugs were supposed to help with that, but they're not working as well as they used to. I thought we could get through the wedding, maybe the honeymoon. We're supposed to go to his mother's orchard for a week. It's so beautiful there, Garrus," she told him, "still green and bright. From the front porch you can't tell the reapers ever existed at all. We've lost so much time we can't get back and I just wanted…" She paused, trying to get her emotions under control, but failing miserably. Deep, gasping breaths tore through her chest as the tears continued to fall.

Garrus handed her a tissue and she took it gratefully. "When did I become such a fucking girl?" she bellowed. "I used to never cry and now I can't seem to stop!"

"Alright," He held up the syringe. "Be straight with me. This doesn't hurt you? You're not abusing it?"

She shook her head. It was mostly true, and what he didn't know wouldn't hurt him. Garrus handed her the needle and she lifted her dress to plunge it into her thigh without delay. She signed in relief as the burning sensation in her limbs finally began to subside.

"Now," he said, calm authority creeping into his voice. "Here's what we're going to do." She gasped as he slid his arms around her and plucked her from the couch. A moment later she was deposited into a straight backed chair, directly in front of the ornate, full length mirror she'd been gazing into earlier. "You've just been out of commission a little too long. You need to remember who you are," he told her. "What do you see?"

Apart from a pair of slightly swollen, red-rimmed eyes, Shepard's appearance hadn't changed. Her hair was still arranged in an immaculate mess of ginger curls on top of her head. Her waterproof makeup hadn't run. There wasn't a single speck of dust on the elegant white dress. "I look like a princess," she admitted, not sure if that was something to be proud of or not.

"Exactly," Garrus agreed. "What the fuck is that about?" He disappeared into the adjoining washroom for a moment, only to return to her side with a small cloth and a bottle of makeup remover.

"What are you going to do with that?" she asked, slightly concerned. His answer was to swipe the damp cloth across the bridge of her nose. The faint scar, one of many souvenirs from Harbiner's attack, instantly came into view. "You're undoing hours of handiwork," she warned him.

"Good," he replied curtly, before squeezing a bit more solution onto the cloth. More and more scars were revealed as Garrus rubbed the makeup from her skin. First it was tiny nick on her chin, then the burn at her temple, and the long thin line below her collar bone. There were a few more on her arms and back as well. "Now, who do you see?"

"A slightly more ragged princess?" He glared at her. "Alright," she acquiesced, "I see Commander Shepard."

"I'm sorry," he teased, feigning poor hearing. "Who are you again?"

She smiled widely. "I am Commander, Fucking, Shepard."

"That's right," he agreed, shifting to kneel before her. Reaching into his pocket, Garrus pulled out a small, golden star on a dark blue ribbon. Shepard felt her eyes well up once more as she recognized the medal Hackett had pinned to her hospital gown, just days after she'd woken up. The Medal of Honor had been the highest military decoration for hundreds of years before being replaced with the Star of Terra. This particular one had belonged to Hackett's great-grandfather and he'd had the Alliance reinstate it just so it could be presented to her.

"_Don't really have the resources to invent you a new award_," he'd told her. "_So we thought this was the next best thing._"

Garrus pinned the little star to the front of her dress, attaching it to the blue ribbons circling just below her bust. "Commander Shepard is the bravest person I know," he told her. "She never gives up. When things get tough, she gets tougher. Those scars are more a badge of honor than this medal will ever be, and you wear them both as beautifully as you do this ridiculously fancy dress.

Shepard snorted a laugh and reached out to trace the scars that marred Garrus's own face. "I think you're a little biased," she told him, "but thank you. You've always had my six."

"Always will," he affirmed. "Now," he jumped to his feet and reached down to help her to hers. "We are going to go out there and you are going marry the most infuriatingly noble man I've ever met. After the ceremony, you are going to tell him everything, because Commander Shepard never runs from a fight."

"Alright," She agreed, before leaning over to grab the gauzy veil she'd laid aside earlier. Securing it to her hair with a tiny comb, Shepard then turned to take her friend's arm. "Let's do this thing."

* * *

_Author's Notes:_

_* Garrus's part in this chapter was intended to be brief, and only really function as a way to help me fill in the plot gap between her death on the Citadel at the end of ME3 and her wedding over a year later. Garrus must have had a different idea in mind, because before I knew it I had 3,000 words and Kaidan hadn't even made an appearance yet. So part 5a (which you just read) is really a celebration of Shep's bromance with Garrus. I decided to call it "Intermission" since Kaidan doesn't sing. However, part 5a does set the scene for 5b, in which Kaidan will most definitely share a song with his new wife. I hope to have it up by next week. *crosses fingers*_

_*Oh, and if you are wondering where Kaidan found fine jewelery on a post-reaper Earth, I just figure that either the wedding rings were salvaged from the wreckage and as a high ranking officer Kaidan had first pick, or that he purchased them from a rural area that hadn't been as hard hit. Jewelery would be hard to come by though, which is one reason Shep doesn't have an engagement ring._


	6. Part 5b: Prelude

**Part 5B: "Prelude" **

A troop of rabid pyjaks had apparently taken up residence in Shepard's gut. They rolled aggressively inside her, scratching and clawing in their desperation to escape. Add in being slightly high from the double dose of painkillers she injected just moments earlier, and the slight weakness in her arms and legs from too many of her implants starting to fail, and Shepard was just a little unsteady on her feet. She was extremely grateful for the strong arm Garrus kept around her back as they stood in the entry hall.

A peek through the crack between the large wooden doors revealed how absolutely packed with guests the small chapel had become. Three vid cams hovered in wait for the ceremony to begin; two in each back corner, and one just above the podium. The organist was playing something simple and traditional. Shepard wiped her sweaty palms down her long, white, satin skirt, and tried to calm her breathing. She didn't see Kaidan in there yet, but it wouldn't be long now.

"Well, don't you just look like something a fairytale threw up?"

The Commander looked up and smiled as the heavily tattooed, biotic slid into view. "What?" Shepard drawled, feigning offense, "you don't like my dress?"

"Shit," her friend answered, rolling her eyes. "Your Eagle Scout in there is going to jism his pants the second he gets a good look at you."

"Well, thanks." Coming from Jack, that was high praise indeed. "I see you've also dressed up for the occasion. I'm honored."

Jack smirked. Her version of formal-wear was a black leather miniskirt, metal studded belt, ankle boots, and a miniscule tube top that barely covered her breasts. "Liara and Tali said Birdbrain here," she gestured towards Garrus, "fucked up your makeup. I'm here for damage control."

Garrus huffed, apparently feeling the need to defend himself. "I was proving a point."

"Point proven," Jack retorted. "You know nothing about human makeup." She zipped open a tiny silver purse and pulled out a few supplies. "Shit, Shepard, I'm surprised you don't have blue lines streaked all over your face."

"Fight nice, kids," the Commander quipped, standing as still as possible as the other woman reapplied a bit of eye shadow and lipstick to her otherwise unadorned face. "Garrus just thought I should look a bit more like me, scars and all."

"Now that, we agree on." Jack swiped a line of eyeliner across each of Shepard's lids. "The scars are fucking awesome. You could use some ink though. How about a _f__leur-de-lis_ on your ass; in honor of your boy scout?"

Shepard chuckled. "I'll consider it. And how do you know so much about the scouts anyway?" She asked. "You got some hidden depths we haven't dug into yet?"

"I screwed one a couple of times," the younger woman replied. "He wanted to be seduced by the dark side and I wanted to try something a little bit sweet. He was delicious," she admitted with a sigh, licking her upper lip for emphasis, "but ultimately gave me a toothache. And I'm pretty sure I scared the hell out of him." She held out a tube of mascara. "Look up."

Shepard dutifully inspected the imperfections in the ceiling. "You kick Vega to the curb yet? Last I heard, he was picking out curtains."

An adorable, completely uncharacteristic, blush spread across the biotic's cheeks. "He hasn't fucked it up yet," she finally replied, her usually sarcastic tone just a little bit lacking. "So, I'm letting him play housewife for a while. He looks hot in an apron…and nothing else."

Garrus let out a low groan and shook his head. "Thanks for painting that picture for us, Jack."

A bark of uncontainable laughter escaped the Commander's mouth. She winced, sucking in a deep breath when the movement upset her already sour stomach.

"You're all done now, Shepard," Jack announced. She zipped the cosmetics back into the little bag and glanced down the entry hall. "I guess I'll go back in there with the rest of your adoring fans and wait for the show to start. You look beautiful and shit." She turned to go back the way she came, but Shepard stopped her with a hand on her arm.

"Let yourself be happy, Jack." she told her with a soft smile. "You deserve it; you both do."

The young woman's blush deepened considerably, but she still managed a retort. "Same goes for you, Commander. If I don't have at least two of your kids in my class sometime in the next fifteen years, I'm going to kick both your asses."

Shepard's grin grew considerably wider. "Noted. And if you see my wayward bridesmaids floating around anywhere, please send them back to me."

"Sure thing, Shepard." Jack made her way down the hall once again. She turned at the last second and added, "I think Liara said something about needing to take a piss," before quickly rounding the corner and moving out of sight.

"Gotta love Jack," Garrus drawled from beside her. "She's as charming as ever."

Shepard laughed. "I find it comforting that some things don't change. Seriously though, where did Tali and Liara go? This thing is supposed to start in like…" she glanced at a terminal across the hall,"…Oh god, half a minute."

As if on cue, the organ in the other room started playing the designated processional march. Suddenly the air in the room felt thin again. One of the rabid pyjacks in Shepard's gut abandoned its brethren and started to squeeze its way up her throat. She swayed a little against her friend's arm.

"Don't you dare get sick on that dress, Shepard," he warned her. "As fluffy and ridiculous as it is, its creation was quite literally an act of parliament."

The Commander was saved from having to reply when her two closest female friends finally came rushing back into the hall, dragging a very small Krogan. The women's matching satin pumps clicked on the tiles in a rapid, staccato beat; contrasting strangely with little Urdnot Mordin's barefoot prancing.

"We're here; we're here!" Liara panted, the flush on her cheeks almost coloring her as dark as the girls' navy blue dresses. "We're so sorry!"

Tali let go of Mordin's hand and let her race around the entry hall. Her tiny, clawed feet scraped on the tiled floor, vaguely reminding Shepard of an excited puppy let out of its cage.

The young quarian huffed an exasperated sigh and leaned her head against Garrus's free shoulder. "Remind me to scratch 'baby krogan,' off the list of viable species to adopt."

Her lover chuckled and nuzzled his face into her hair. "How are you feeling?" he asked, concern coloring his rough voice. "Is the breather mask enough, or do you need me to go get your suit?"

"So far, so good," Tali assured him, her breath leaving a little fog on the transparent seal around her mouth and nose. "The inhalable antibiotics are pretty powerful and my immune system is so much stronger now. I should be just fine through the ceremony and reception."

"I trust you," he assured her. "Just do me a favor and let me know if you feel even the slightest bit ill."

"I promise, Garrus," she told him, reaching up with bare fingers to trace one of the blue lines on his face, "but I'm sure I'll be fine, and we need to get Shepard here down the aisle."

"We would have been back sooner," Liara added, "but Kaidan's mother cornered us just after we found Jack."

Shepard felt spike of pure panic. "What did she want? Is everything okay? Kaidan…"

"Is fine," her friends assured her simultaneously.

Liara pulled a large cloth bag down from her shoulder and reached inside. "She just wanted you to have these."

Tears filled the Commander's eyes once again and she had to rapidly blink them away. Kaidan and she had decided to forgo having natural flowers at the wedding, since they were so very hard to come by these days. That being said, the large bouquet of pink and white blossoms Liara placed in her arms wasn't only gorgeous, it was absolutely priceless.

"They came from her orchard," Tali told her. "She said every bride deserves flowers on her wedding day. She also might have let it slip that Kaidan talked you into this date for a reason. He knew there was a good chance the apple trees would be in bloom."

"That's just," Shepard couldn't find the words, "I can't even…"

"Thank them later," Liara instructed, handing Tali one of two smaller bouquets, before rushing over to corral the prancing toddler. The asari placed a circle of blossoms on Mordin's smooth, plateless head and all but dragged her back to the tiny group. "We have to go. I think this is the second time that poor organist is playing your wedding march."

"Oh, poor her," Shepard deadpanned.

Tali finished pinning a single white bloom to Garrus's lapel, before scooting over to the double doors. "Here we go," she squealed.

Garrus's arm tightened around Shepard's waist and she felt herself being gently, but firmly, hauled towards the chapel. The ancient doors swung open with a nerve shattering creak and then all she could see were a million disorienting camera flashes. A moment later, the lights died away, only to be replaced with just as many prying eyes. There were rows and rows of guests, standing on either side of the aisle, obviously waiting for her to move. Shepard could barely breathe.

"Don't worry about them," Garrus murmured into her ear. "Just look straight ahead."

Time stood still when Shepard finally did as she was told. There, at the end of the long aisle; wearing perfectly pristine Alliance Navy dress blues and a smile meant only for her, was Kaidan. The hoards of guests disappeared. The weakness in her limbs faded away and she practically floated down the aisle. When at last Garrus placed her palm in her fiance's and moved to stand at his side, everything was suddenly alright in the world.

Kaidan reverently traced a calloused finger over the little scar on her nose. "There are no words," he rasped, caramel colored eyes glistening with emotion. "You just look so beautiful."

The smile that split Shepard's face was resplendent. She smoothed a hand up the front of his jacket, fingered the gleaming Star of Terra pinned to his chest. "You don't look too bad yourself, soldier."

The minister cleared his throat and began his opening statements, starling the bride and groom out of their isolated bubble. Shepard took a moment to glance around the room, taking in the simple decorations and the plethora of guests crammed like sardines into the small chapel.

One side of the audience was a sea of navy blue, which was startlingly reminiscent of her funeral she'd watched on vid so very long ago. Today however, wasn't about death; it was about living life to the fullest. Everyone she cared about, her family she realized, filled the first few pews on either side of the chapel. Mrs. Alenko and Doctor Karin Chakwas sat dabbing handkerchiefs to their red eyes, while sandwiched between a stoic Admiral Hackett and smiling Greg Adams. Gabby Donnelly reclined in her husband's arms, while Ken absently stroked his palm over her softly rounded belly. The Taylors had made it; Jacob sat next to his wife, little Shep bouncing happily on his father's knee. Kasumi was between Miranda and Samara, futilely trying to engage them each in conversation. Shepard had to stifle a laugh when she saw Feron and Javik next to each other in the third row; arms crossed, wearing identical scowls, and refusing to look at one another. Wrex and Bakara were on the far left, closest to the side doors. Their brood of children, minus one prancing flower girl, squirmed and moaned in their attempts to escape. One particularly brave little krogan hung precariously off his Uncle Grunt's back.

There was a lot of hand holding too, the Commander noted; Samantha Traynor and Diana Allers, James and Jack, Steve Cortez and the handsome young doctor he'd brought as his date. Joker was in their ranks as well; his fingers intertwined with those of his newly rebuilt love. EDI smiled knowingly up at her Commander; resurrection was something they had in common now.

Shepard jumped when the minister laid a hand on her shoulder, bringing her attention back to him. Kaidan smirked at her, obviously aware that she'd zoned out for a second, before starting to recite his vows. They were simple and traditional, and she laughed gleefully at her groom when he tripped over her first name. When it was her turn to promise to love him forever, her voice never faltered.

The rings were next. Garrus produced them, seemingly out of nowhere, and placed one in each of their palms. Shepard felt herself getting misty eyed again, when Kaidan slid the lovely, tension set diamond onto her finger. "As this ring has no end, "he recited, "neither will my love for you."

Shepard copied his words as she slipped the matching platinum band onto his finger. A moment later, they were each given a small taper, with which to light a single, larger candle. Kaidan's mother got up from her seat in the audience and sang a beautiful song about love and commitment. As her flawless contralto voice filled the small space, it was obvious from whom her son inherited his considerable musical talent.

When the song ended, the minster finally announced them husband and wife. Their makeshift family stood and erupted into enthusiastic cheers, as Kaidan leaned down to touch his lips to hers. She could tell he meant the kiss to be chaste, but Shepard was having none of that. It felt like weeks instead of hours since she'd been in his arms, and she threw herself into him, pouring out her love in one desperate act.

Pulling back breathlessly, Kaidan palmed her cheek. "God, I love you so much," He said, his own heart in his eyes. He wrapped her up in his arms, rocked them side to side, "my wife."

Shepard could only smile, the lump her throat having returned with a vengeance. She linked her arm with his, letting him lead her back down the aisle. The path was slowed with a million congratulatory handshakes and slaps on the back. The commotion was disorienting, and Shepard felt dizziness creeping up on her again. It suddenly occurred to her that she'd skipped breakfast, and most of dinner the night before.

"Shepard!" She grit her teeth, stifling a grunt and almost falling to her knees, as the large reptilian hand thumped down on her shoulder. Pain radiated through her weakened body. "Congratulations, sister!" Urdnot Wrex, bellowed enthusiastically. "I'd offer to damage your mate if he ever betrays you, but I know you can handle that yourself." He turned towards Kaidan. "You get her breeding yet? You've got a long way to go if you want to catch up to me, Major." The krogan leader laughed heartily at his own joke and jostled the tiny baby in his arms. Kaidan's bronze skin turned a bit pink.

"Is this the new one?" Shepard asked, reaching towards the tiny bundle. Wrex relinquished the baby to her without hesitation. "What does this make, like six already? You should give Bakara a rest."

"Naw," Wrex dismissed the suggestion. "Krogan woman were made for this. Nothing makes her happier than holding another healthy baby in her arms."

Shepard snuggled the little leathery face into the crook of her neck; breathed in that precious baby smell; and surprisingly, couldn't quite disagree. Little Mordin came rushing into view, twirling in her navy blue dress until she reached her father. She let out a loud, whining cry when she saw Shepard cuddling her little brother.

"My Shep!" she declared, and then moved too quickly for anyone to stop her.

A flash of intense pain made Shepard's vision go white and her knees buckle beneath her, when the top of Mordin's head crashed directly into her hip. She felt the baby plucked from her arms, felt the floor rushing up to meet her. Kaidan screamed her name; the crowd gasped in shock, and then Shepard's world went completely dark.

* * *

_Please review! Every single one makes my entire day. _

**_Author's notes:_**

_* I know, I know, I promised you Kaidan would be singing in this chapter. I am a horrible person! What actually happened, is that I had so much fun writing Shepard and Kaidan's wedding, and describing all the guests, that the word count kind of got out of hand. I hope you liked this scene anyway. _

_* Chapter 5 will have a part C. No worries though, as it is already written and I can assure all of my loyal readers out there that there is indeed a song included. I'll post it in a few days. After that we have only one more chapter to go (hopefully). _

_* the words, "As this ring has no end, neither will my love for you," actually came from my own wedding. My husband and I each said it as we exchanged rings._


	7. Part 5c: The Fifth Time

**Part 5C: "The Fifth Time"**

Yeah, Shepard thought, opening her eyes and scanning her surroundings. Hospitals were definitely not her favorite place to wake up. The experience brought back too many unpleasant memories.

She groaned as she assessed the situation. Her wedding gown was nowhere to be seen, replaced by the standard issued hospital gown that fit absolutely no one. There was an IV in her hand, a nasal cannula across her face, and a fog in her brain that suggested a cocktail of pretty impressive drugs. A head of dark hair rested on the side of the small bed. Shepard gingerly lifted her hand to caress the silky curls.

"Hey," her husband jerked up and grabbed her hand, kissing it once before continuing. "How are you feeling?"

"Like I just got run over by a Krogan," she replied with a half smile. "It's kind of embarrassing that it was a tiny one."

His expression grew grim. "About that, Shepard…"

Dread exploded like a nuke in her belly and she turned her gaze away from him in shame. "You know." It wasn't a question. The doctors would have explained her condition to him upon her arrival. With his technical background, Kaidan probably understood her failing implants better than she did at this point.

"How could you not tell me you were ill?" His voice was a harsh symphony of pain and disappointment. "We're supposed to be in this together, Shepard. We're supposed to be partners."

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"Did you think I couldn't handle it?" She cringed as his voice grew louder, more rough. "Didn't you trust me to look after you? 'In sickness and in health' aren't just words to me."

Shepard scrambled for something to say to make this better, pretty much drew a blank. "I trust you; of course I do. It's just…I thought…."

"What?" Actual anger colored Kaidan's voice now. He paced to the other side of the room, faced the wall. "What did you think, Shepard? What can you possibly say that will make me feel better about the fact that you've been _lying_ to me for months?"

"I did it for you," she cried, finally finding her voice.

"For me?" He turned back to face her, flared blue for a second before pausing to regain control. "That's bullshit Shepard, and you know it!"

She bit her lip, sucked in a ragged breath. "I was going to tell you; I swear. I just wanted to wait a bit. You've been so patient with me and I wanted you to have the wedding you deserve. I didn't want to cancel on you again. Life is so short and…"

"Is that what you think?" he interrupted, incredulity written all over his face. "You think that life is _short_?"

Shepard stared at him in awe as the anger leached from his features. He slumped back onto the chair at her side, his shoulders hunched, defeated. He grabbed her hand again, rubbed it against his cheek.

"Do you have any idea," he said slowly, "how many times I've lost you?"

Her own eyes burned. She felt moisture on her fingertips. "I have a fair idea."

"I feel like every time you leave me behind, I lose you again. You ordered me from your side on the Normandy, and then I spent two years thinking you were dead. In the final battle against the reapers, you physically forced me back onto the ship, and then hours later you fucking died in my arms while I begged you not to go. You died again," he said, pausing when his voice cracked a bit at the end, "four more times on the operating table, while I had to sit on my hands in the waiting room for hours and pray that I hadn't just held you for the last time."

He slid forward in his seat, scraped his fingers through his curly hair. "I know exactly how long life is Shepard, because without you it is interminable. I can't go through that again; I can't. You need to stop pushing me away."

Tears poured down Shepard's face as she listened to her husband bare his heart to her. "I'm so sorry," she whimpered. "I never meant to hurt you like that. I swear."

"I know," he admitted, "but today you collapsed in my arms again, and then I found out you've been keeping this huge secret from me, and it was like…shit." He swallowed a sob, rubbed the heel of his palms against his eyes. "I just need you to promise me we're in this together, forever. Promise you won't leave me behind again."

"Come here." She opened her arms, gestured for him to climb up onto the bed. God, she needed to hold him so badly.

He hesitated. "I don't want to hurt you."

"Trust goes both ways, Major," she countered. "I promise to keep you included, but you need to believe me when I tell you something. I'm fine. Come here."

Kaidan acquiesced, climbing gingerly onto the small hospital bed and curling into her side. She pillowed his head on her chest and combed her fingers through his hair.

"We're going to get through this," he assured her. "You're going to get the surgeries you need and come out so much stronger on the other side. And I'm going to stick with you the whole way."

Shepard sighed, rubbed her cheek on his hair. "I just wish you didn't have to. I want to stand on my own two feet. I'm tired of being such a burden. "

"Hey," he sat up quickly, looked directly into her eyes. "You will never be a burden to me, you hear? Every day I spend with you is a gift, regardless of what we're doing. Of anyone in this galaxy, I am in a unique position to truly understand that." He brushed his lips across the scar on her nose." I _want_ to help you, Shepard. Nothing is more important."

"I really am sorry." She said again, feeling like a corrupted audio file. "I honestly was going to tell you everything right after the wedding."

"I'm sorry too," he admitted, settling back down onto her chest. "I shouldn't have yelled."

She flashed him an understanding smile. "I get why you did," she said. "In your situation I'm sure I would have behaved much worse."

"Oh, you think?" He quipped. Shepard smirked; sarcasm was not Kaidan's strong point.

"We're going to miss a hell of party," she groaned. "No dinner, no fancy cake, no watching all our friends get completely smashed…"

Kaidan smiled against her skin. "I bet Hackett's a fun drunk."

She laughed wholeheartedly, jostling Kaidan around in her mirth. "I'd pay good money to see that," she said.

"So would pretty much everyone," he agreed. "We could have made a killing."

Shepard sighed. "Speaking of killing it, we're not going to get our first dance."

"My toes are eternally grateful," he said, earning a light slap on the shoulder.

"I am not that bad!" She complained. "I don't understand why everyone thinks my dancing is so horrible."

"Have you seen yourself?" He asked, barely containing a chuckle.

Her lips turned down in a partially feigned pout. "Shut up."

"All right, all right," he laughed. "I promised to help you through everything, so help you I will. Are you in any pain?"

"Just my pride," she told him, petulantly. "I passed out, _live_ on the extranet, for billions of people to see, and now my husband is perpetuating the harsh lie that I have no rhythm."

Kaidan flashed her a patient smile. "Be serious for a second, Love."

"No," she said. "Whatever drugs they've pumped through me have turned my muscles into jelly, but it doesn't actually hurt."

"Excellent." He glanced at the monitor above her head, before gently reaching behind her ears to unhook the nasal cannula and set it aside. "You're oxygen levels are fine, you don't need that anymore." Enthusiastically popping up from the small bed, Kaidan slid over to the cupboard and pulled down a spare hospital gown. "Put this on like a robe," he called, tossing her the material. She sat up slowly to obey, as he pulled her IV bag down from its pole and looped it around his wrist.

Gently clasping her knees, her husband rotated her legs to hang off the side of the bed. "Can you stand?"

Shepard eyed the tiled floor dubiously. "Probably not."

"Okay," he tapped his chin. "That's not a problem."

"What are you trying to do?" She asked, incredulously. "Are we making a break for it? We could probably catch the second half of our reception if we leave now."

"Not a chance, Shepard." He countered. "You're here until the doctors say otherwise. I can, however, give you something else." He wrapped an arm around her back, securing it firmly under her arms. "Scoot forward off the bed," he instructed. "I won't let you fall; trust me."

Shepard looked into his caramel colored eyes and saw so much love staring back at her she could barely believe it. "Okay," she said, sliding into his arms, "I trust you."

He caught her effortlessly, letting her feet rest lightly on his, but supporting most of her weight. "There you go," he praised, wrapping one of her arms around his neck. "That's perfect."

"For what, exactly?" she asked, feeling giddy with anticipation.

He smiled at her, clasped her free hand in his and kissed her fingertips. "Our dance," he said, before twirling her around in a graceful arc.

Shepard squealed with glee as he danced her around the room, letting his feet move hers in a practiced rhythm. "One, two, three…one, two, three…" he chanted, pulling her into a traditional waltz. She rested her head on his shoulder, thought that nothing in the universe could possibly make this perfect moment any better…and then, he began to sing.

_"If I caught the world in a bottle  
And everything was still beneath the moon  
Without your love would it shine for me?  
If I was smart as Aristotle  
And understood the rings around the moon  
What would it all matter if you loved me?"_

Shepard felt more tears well up in her eyes as Kaidan's flawless baritone filled the room. She hadn't heard him sing since that horrible day on the citadel when she'd slipped away in his arms. Here she was again; being held by the man she loved, as he sung to her of his unwavering devotion. Only this time, instead of sorrow, her heart was filled with joy.

_"Here in your arms where the world is impossibly still  
With a million dreams to fulfill  
And a matter of moments until the dancing ends  
Here in your arms when everything seems to be clear  
Not a solitary thing would I fear  
Except when this moment comes near the dancing's end_

"Oh, if I caught the world in an hourglass  
Saddled up the moon and we would ride  
Until the stars grew dim  
Until the time stands still, Until…"

Kaidan let the song trail off and slowed their movements to a gentle sway. "You are everything to me," he said gruffly. "I would have married you in a back office at Alliance headquarters with Hackett officiating and his assistant as a witness. Just being with you, in any way I can, is what matters the most. Don't ever doubt it."

"Never," she agreed. "Like you said, we're in this together."

He smiled, "until the end of time?"

"Longer," she promised, reaching up to brush her lips against his. A knock on the door a second later interrupted their tender moment.

Kaidan boosted Shepard back up onto the hospital bed, right before a tall, middle aged man strode into the room.

Alright," the doctor began, a vein of boredom coloring his even voice. "We have a few things to go over before you two can get out of here and do whatever it is that newlyweds do, and I can get back to patients who actually need my expertise."

"Excuse me?" Kaidan took a step forward and crossed his arms in front of his chest, obviously challenging the doctor's attitude. Shepard grabbed her husband's wrist and gestured for him to sit down. She could handle the physician being a bit of an ass, as long as they got to leave soon.

Throwing a brief glare of annoyance their way, the doctor activated his omnitool and continued his explanation. "You suffered from a loss of consciousness. It's actually a fairly common occurrence. If the body experiences a shock, either physically or psychologically, changes in the nervous and circulatory systems cause a temporary drop in the amount of blood reaching the brain. Not enough blood to brain, and it shuts down temporarily until the deficiency is resolved."

Shepard grimaced. "Are you telling me I _fainted_?"

The man smirked at her. "Can you come up with a more accurate term?"

Kaidan cleared his throat, cutting the tension between his wife and her doctor a bit. "She was out for more than a few minutes. Can you explain that? And is it going to happen again?"

"Of course I can explain it," He drawled, powering down his omnitool and clasping his hands behind his back. His lips spread into a sarcastic smile. "It's apparently my job to state the obvious. The initial loss of consciousness was triggered by the sudden shock of pain you witnessed, but her vitals were low enough to perpetuate that state. Your wife shouldn't lose consciousness again, because she's not going to be stupid enough to forget to eat, abuse her pain medication, overdue herself physically, and then neglect to call her doctor when things aren't going quite right." He turned a pointed glare at the commander, "is she?"

Shepard fumed; she hadn't been dressed down so thoroughly since basic training. "I was told I had months before my implants degraded enough to get me to this point, which is why I decided to delay getting them replaced."

"Things change, Mrs…." He glanced at his omnitool again, "Alenko."

"Shepard-Alenko," she corrected, patience growing fairly thin. "And it's Commander."

"Excellent, _Commander_," he emphasized the word. "Then you should be intelligent enough to understand what I'm about to tell you. Your fainting spell was caused by the same thing that's making your pain meds wear off at an alarming rate. It's also the same reason we need to postpone your surgery for a good long while. You," he paused for emphasis, "are growing biotic nodules; a lot of them actually. And as a result your metabolism has increased three times its previous rate. "

Shepard felt sick, immediately understanding the implications. _Oh shit, _she thought.

Kaidan didn't catch on quite as quickly. "What the hell are you talking about?" her husband railed at the doctor. "That's not possible. Even with all the eezo in our atmosphere since the reaper war, the only time anyone can develop biotic abilities is during adolescence, or in utero…" He paused, his face growing suddenly quite pale.

"…and the penny drops," the doctor quipped, pulling a small plastic vial out of his pocket. He shook it a few times, emphasizing the tiny object rattling around inside, before handing it off to Shepard. "You do know these birth control implants expire, right?" Shepard could only gape at him. "Yours failed approximately six and half weeks ago, congratulations."

The Commander's hand immediately dropped to her still flat abdomen. Despite the piss-poor timing, she couldn't help feeling a bit of excited joy bubble up inside. Her lips split into a soft, cautious grin, "a baby?"

"Ignoring her question, the doctor continued. "I'm uploading your new prescription to your omnitool," he stated. "Your previous medication wasn't harmful to take during pregnancy, but this new one is better. It's safe, and formulated to your new metabolic rate. It should help with both the pain and weakness. Adhere to the instructions exactly, eat as much high caloric food as you possibly can, follow up with your regular OBGYN, and we shouldn't need to see you back in this hospital until you deliver. You can schedule your implant replacement surgeries to begin approximately six weeks post-partum. You'll have to check with your specialist, but you should be able to stagger them to minimize the disruption to your life."

"Thank you, doctor," she breathed, immediately forgiving him for being a complete jerk."

He leaned down closer to her face and lowered his voice. "Take care of yourself, Commander" he told her, and Shepard was shocked to hear how concerned he suddenly sounded. "Nothing gets my ire up more than carelessness. We lost too many good people in that godforsaken war. Don't make us lose any more, okay?"

She nodded and returned his pleasant smile, before turning to address her husband. "Kaidan," she nearly squealed, "can you believe it? We're going to….Kaidan?"

The Major looked so pale he was actually gray. Shepard reached for him, only to miss by inches as his eyes rolled back and his whole body slumped limply to the floor. "Kaidan!"

The doctor let out a long-suffering sigh. "He's fine," he told her, running his omnitool across her husband's unconscious form. "As I said, it's a fairly common occurrence."

* * *

_Author's notes:_

_* Kaidan sings "Until," by Sting. It is 3/4 time, so it is perfect for a waltz. I also thought the lyrics fit this lovely couple perfectly._

_* So there you have it, chapter 5 is finally finished. I'm not 100% happy with it. I tried to make the end funny, but I'm pretty sure it fell short My comedic timing can apparently use some work. But I figure if I fiddle with it anymore it is just going to get worse. So I hope you liked it anyway. _

_* Only one more chapter to go! Hopefully I can manage to keep it to one single post. _

_* Thank you to everyone who has liked, reblogged, or commented on this story. Every single one is a huge encouragement to me!_


	8. Part 6a: The Time He Didn't Sing to Her

**Part 6a: "The Time He Didn't Sing to her"**

The terminal in the corner read 0300, Citadel time. Shepard rolled over with a groan, feeling her over-stretched abdominal and back muscles protest painfully as she did so. She also had to pee, again. Trying to sleep during the third trimester of pregnancy was a bitch, even when her mind _wasn't_ racing.

Sliding her hand across the bed revealed nothing but a long expanse of cool sheets. Hours ago, when she'd gone to bed, Kaidan had still been sequestered in their home office finishing some spectre reports and claiming he didn't want to, "piss off the boss" by turning them in late. Shepard smirked at the memory, before rocking from side to side to get into an upright position and scoot off the bed. She thought she might as well go make sure he hadn't nodded off at his desk. It certainly wouldn't be the first time.

A harsh internal jab to her bladder reminded Shepard she had one very important stop to make first. She detoured to the ensuite bathroom and quickly relieved herself, sighing as the intense pressure finally faded away. Risking a glance in the mirror as she washed her hands, she took note of the dark shadows under each eye and the extra fullness in her cheeks from a bit of water retention. _Oh well_, she thought, flicking off the light and making her way out of her bedroom and down the short hall; that was nothing compared to some of things she'd lived through.

A dull, throbbing ache began to settle into her lower back as Shepard slowly waddled towards their appointed apartment's modest lounge area. Resting against the wall for a spell, she took a quick peek into the second bedroom on the left, surprised to see the tiny bed unoccupied. A moment later, the smooth, even sound of her husband's crooning baritone reached her ears.

_Dark is the night  
Calm is the sea  
Soft blows the wind  
Through the evening trees  
Tired are the eyes  
That have seen all you've seen  
Just let your mind  
Start to dream…_

Stepping into the room, Shepard was blessed with the sight of her two most favorite people in the whole universe. Kaidan sprawled in the large, plush rocking chair, their three-year-old son draped over his lap. They swayed back and forth, as her husband gently ran his fingers through the boy's dark curls and sang his favorite lullaby.

_Puddles of rain  
Dry overnight  
Stars in the sky  
Twinkle their eyes  
The curls on your head  
Your fingers and toes  
All need their rest  
For tomorrow…_

Heart swelling four times its size, Shepard eased herself down on the sofa next to them to listen. It never ceased to amaze her how much love a person could feel all at once. She hadn't truly understood that until becoming a mother. Not only had she and Kaidan grown closer as a couple, but they'd also been gifted with this tiny, innocent person, who loved without conditions or motivations. The fact that he'd very nearly never been born was almost unthinkable.

He was their little miracle. While pregnant with him, Shepard's failing cybernetic implants hadn't lasted nearly as long as she and the doctors had hoped. Her heath had gradually grown worse as their baby grew bigger. Finally, after Shepard's blood pressure and heart rate had grown dangerously low, Ashton David Alenko had needed to be delivered via cesarean section, six weeks before his expected due date. Since staggering the implant replacements were no longer an option at that point, it was another month and a half, after a marathon round of surgeries, before she could hold her baby in her arms for the first time.

It had been rough, no doubt about it, but she'd had no issues whatsoever with her implants since they'd been replaced. If anything, she felt stronger than before. Miranda, the only one who'd really been qualified to spearhead putting her back together again, promised as long as no one decided to detonate the crucible for a second time, Shepard's cybernetics would outlive her.

However, such a long maternity leave and convalescence, directly on the heels of her last extensive recovery, didn't really help move her military career along much. Hackett promised her ship would be waiting for her whenever she was ready to return to it, but one look into her little boy's luminescent eyes, still that gray-blue all human infants seem to be born with, and Shepard just couldn't bear to leave him for months at a time. Plus, Kaidan and she agreed Commander Shepard had saved the galaxy enough for one lifetime, or two. Of course, that only prompted Hackett to offer her a job she'd never even considered before, and now she was trying to save the galaxy in an entirely different manner…

Still softly crooning to their son, Kaidan shifted to grace her with a sleepy grin. Shepard smiled back, noticing her husband looked just about as exhausted as she felt. His strong jaw was covered in a day's worth of dark stubble. The lids protecting his beautiful caramel colored eyes drooped heavily. His personalized spectre uniform, pressed and pristine the previous morning, now looked hopelessly rumpled. There was a wet patch of drool on his shirt just under Ashton's little chin.

It had been a very long day, and apparently just as long a night for her boys. She reached out a hand, bridging the gap between sofa and chair, to gently rub circles on Ash's back. She hoped as Kaidan sang the final verse that their son knew his father's words were meant to come from her as well.

_I will never leave you  
I am always here  
I will never leave you  
I am always near._

"Hey, Love." Kaidan greeted her, once the song ended. He slid his hand down Ashton's back to give her fingers a little squeeze. "What are you doing up?"

"I came to find out why my top human Spectre never came to bed last night," she told him,  
"only to discover my boys having a party without me."

"Well, Madam Counselor," he answered, "I was just about to join you when the little man here came looking for me." He sighed, "Bad dreams."

Shepard frowned in sympathy. "That's not surprising, considering what he went through today."

Every planet-born child in this post-reaper galaxy was exposed to so much element zero from the moment they were conceived, side effects were pretty much inevitable. The occurrences of pediatric brain cancer had increased exponentially over the last few years, until the Asari government finally stepped in to share their long hoarded Prothean knowledge. Most children were returned to their natural, healthy state with a few fairly simple medical treatments. For kids like Ashton however, who were genetically predisposed to developing biotics, those treatments were completely ineffective. So today, just like they'd had to do every six months or so, Shepard and Kaidan had spent hours at the hospital, while their little boy was poked, prodded, and subjected to extensive scans. So far, not only were Ash's nodules showing no signs of turning malignant, but it was looking like he was going to be quite a formidable biotic someday.

"He'll be fine in the morning," Kaidan said, gazing fondly down at Ash's mess of dark curls. "He's tough, just like his mom."

Shepard huffed a small chuckle and squeezed her husband's fingers again. "He's got quite a bit of his father in him too."

Kaidan just smiled wider. Despite some initial nervousness at their son inheriting his abilities, it was obvious her husband was extremely pleased by this fact. She'd caught him a time or two, teaching their little boy some simple skills that didn't require an amp, like making a leaf float, or coaxing the bath water to swirl down the drain in the opposite direction. The two of them shared a very special bond, started when Kaidan had needed to be the primary parent during Shepard's long recovery, and solidified by their mutual talent.

Like Ashton, the baby still safely tucked inside Shepard's womb had been conceived on Earth, while the allied council races worked out a plan to get the Citadel, not only operational again, but back to the Widow System where it belonged. So, despite the thrice filtered air they all now breathed, it was confirmed their second child would also be a biotic. Kaidan was understandably over the moon. He'd come a long way from that frightened, angry teenager sent home from Jump Zero. It also didn't hurt that she and Kaidan vowed, when it came to their special talents, no one would ever make their children do anything against their will, including getting implants if they didn't want them.

Shepard shifted uncomfortably on the couch as another sharp pain assaulted her lower back. "How long did it take you to get him back to sleep?" She asked Kaidan.

"A while," he admitted with an exhausted sigh. "I think I sang 'Solomon's Song' about ten times before the one you heard. He only just nodded off right before you came in."

"I don't blame him," she said. "I try to stay awake when you sing to me too. It's so beautiful; I don't want to miss a note."

Kaidan blushed adorably at her praise, still unable to accept her complements gracefully, even after all these years.

"Really though," she continued, "you could have woken me. It's not like I can sleep much anyway."

"You need to at least try to get some rest," her husband admonished. "Besides single handedly growing another person inside your body, you have a very important meeting tomorrow."

Shepard sighed and mussed her long, ginger hair into even greater disarray. "You know I can never sleep before a crucial mission."

"Yeah," he agreed. "That's something we've always had in common."

Shepard smiled, remembering a time or two when they'd spent the night most decidedly 'not-sleeping' before a big mission.

Speaking of your meeting," Kaidan added, "C-Sec confirmed both quarian ambassadors checked into their hotel rooms last night and EDI messaged me to say they just picked up Tali and Garrus on Palaven. They'll all be arriving with the Normandy tomorrow…erm" he corrected, glancing at a terminal, "today, in about five hours."

Shepard sighed. Her excitement to see so much of her former crew again was almost uncontainable, but she really wasn't looking forward to the quarian peace talks. They'd have EDI there, as the council had finally agreed to appoint her as the Synthetic Ambassador, and Tali's opinions as the foremost expert on Geth would be invaluable. But, Shepard was still concerned this wouldn't be enough. Rannoch was divided; with half its residents standing behind their small population of newly resurrected Geth, and the other half violently terrified of them. Rational thinking wasn't a high priority with either side at this point. The whole planet was on the brink of civil war.

"What would I do without you?" She asked Kaidan, extraordinarily grateful for his organized, calming presence.

"Well," He gestured towards her swollen belly, "For starters, you'd be about thirty pounds lighter"

Shepard grimaced, "Ha ha."

Before Kaidan could retort, their son let out a little moan and shifted restlessly on his father's lap. When he turned his head to the side, Shepard was graced with the sight of his angelic little face. Ashton was a perfect mixture of his parents' features: fair skin; a smattering of freckles over a delicate nose; tiny, dimpled chin; gloriously dark, curly hair that refused to be tamed; and a pair of impossibly large, emerald eyes, now wet with tears.

"Oh," he said, sniffling a little, "Hi, Mommy."

"Hi, Baby." She flashed him a soft smile. "Daddy said you had a scary dream. You want to talk about it?"

Ash reached his little arms out towards his mother, silently pleading for a cuddle. Kaidan scooped him up from their place on the rocking chair and carried him the short distance to the couch, easing them both down onto the cushion next to Shepard. Their little boy was in her arms in a heartbeat, cuddled into her side, one arm draped across her swollen belly. "It was really scary, Mommy." he whimpered. "They were gonna get me."

"You know I would never let anyone hurt you, right?" she asked, running her fingers through his soft curls in a comforting gesture. "When Mommy and Daddy are around, the monsters are scared of _us_!" She poked his belly and he giggled, but quickly sobered once more with a tiny pout.

"But you weren't there," he complained, "and they _was_ gonna get me!"

"Who, Ash?" She finally asked, sneaking a quick peek at her husband. Kaidan just raised his eyebrows and shrugged, obviously as in the dark as she. Meeting their little boy's bright green gaze again, she said, "Tell me about your dream. What was after you, Baby?"

"The big machines, Mommy," He said, freezing Shepard's blood instantly into ice water. "They were coming after me and I couldn't get away."

She froze, suddenly light years away and standing in a field of death and rubble. Her lungs burned, the entire swollen curve of her abdomen clenched in a sickeningly painful spasm. Instead of her sweet son, the boy in her arms was slightly older. His hair was lighter; large eyes blue instead of green. Shepard squeezed her eyes shut against the image, trying to refocus on the present, but all she saw were red beams of light and Alliance shuttles blown to pieces by their destructive power. There was far too little screaming, as thousands of innocent souls died before gaining enough breath to do so. An army of husks corralled her into a demolished building. That same, sad, hopeless little boy cried out, "_You can't help me…."_

"Shepard." A large, warm hand on her arm startled her out of the waking nightmare. Two pairs of eyes stared back at her in concern, the toffee colored ones relaying the silent message that he knew exactly what she'd just relived. "Are you with us, Love?"

Sucking in a deep breath and forcing a tight smile, Shepard nodded. She tucked Ashton's little face into the crook of her neck and breathed him in for a moment, reminding herself what was actually there and what was gone forever.

Kaidan moved closer to place a hand on the small of her back. He rubbed comforting little circles into the fabric of her cotton shirt. "Ash was telling you about his dream," he reminded her softly. "It was about all the medical equipment from the hospital, wasn't it, son?"

"Yeah," he whimpered, squeezing Shepard more tightly. "The doctors brought in their machines that make so much noise and they want to take pictures of me, but it hurts, and I don't want to go back!"

"Shhh," she soothed, petting his soft hair. "It's all over now and the doctors said you did so good today, you don't have to go back for a whole year. You'll be four years old by then; way too big a boy to be scared of a few scans and a blood test."

He pulled back and eyed her warily, "Four years old?"

"Yup," she affirmed. "And you know what else?"

"What?" he asked curiously, suddenly pulled completely out of his dark mood.

"Machines can be our friends," She reminded him. "You love Aunt EDI, don't you?"

Ash cocked his head to the side and pursed his lips, looking for all the world to be contemplating a deep thought. "But Aunt Edi's not a machine," he reasoned. "She's a person."

Shepard glanced up at Kaidan in amusement. "I should bring this little guy to the peace talks tomorrow?" She looked down at their son again, "you'd have everything all wrapped up in five minutes, wouldn't you, Ash?"

"Yeah," he agreed, delightedly.

Shepard flinched and rubbed her belly as another painful muscle spasm rolled across it, this time spreading out across her lower back as well. "Oh, that's a bit uncomfortable," she admitted.

Kaidan eyed her with concern. "Is everything alright?"

"I think so." She told him. "I've just been feeling some cramping on and off since I woke up. The doctor said this was normal, so don't worry. I've still got four weeks left before my due date."

"Alright," he answered hesitantly, "But if it gets worse, you be sure to let me know. I don't mind taking you to the hospital, even if it turns out to be a false alarm. I've got Aleena on speed dial," he added, referring to Ashton's young, asari nanny. "I don't want to take any chances with you, or the baby."

"I'm sure it's nothing," she insisted, grimacing again as another cramp assaulted her abdomen. "I'm fine. Let's just put Ash back to bed and try to catch a few more hours rest." She clasped their son's little hand in hers. "You ready to go lay down in your room again, Kiddo?"

Ashton pushed his bottom lip out as far as it would go. "Can I lay down with you and Daddy?" he begged, "please."

Shepard glanced at her husband, who threw his hands up in a gesture of surrender. "Fine," he agreed, sliding off the couch. "It's not like we're going to get much sleep otherwise anyway. Come on, Ash." He scooped the three year old up in his arms, supporting him against his chest as he reached out a helping hand towards his wife.

"Thanks," she said, grunting loudly as she used him to pull herself to her feet. "I will never understand how Krogan woman go into battle like this. I feel like a beached whale...oh!" Shepard froze as something low in her abdomen gave way, snapping with an audible pop, like an overly stretched rubber band. A gush of hot liquid rushed down her legs, soaking her pajama shorts and the carpet at her feet.

"Mommy!" Ashton exclaimed, "Pee goes in the potty!"

Still sporting a look of shocked horror on her face, Shepard addressed her husband. "I think you should call Aleena," she said, "and a cab."

"Right." Kaidan looked just as shell-shocked as she was.

Leaving her boys in the lounge, Shepard waddled her way back down the hall, desperately needing a change of clothes. She stripped quickly and slid into the shower to rinse off. "You," she said, pointing to her bare belly, "have the worst possible timing. You're supposed to cook for four more weeks before being done. Mommy has to stop a war tomorrow!" She let out a little frustrated growl before shutting off the water.

Once clean and dressed in dry clothes, she made her way back to the lounge. Kaidan had Ash dressed in day clothes and was shoving items into a small duffel.

"I think we're good to go," he said, enthusiastically closing the zipper. "I have your bag packed, a cab is on its way to take us to Anderson Memorial, and Aleena is going to meet us there."

Shepard sat down on the couch, moaning softly as another contraction rippled through her midsection. "Good," she praised. "What about C-Sec? We'll have to postpone the peace talks for a few days and just hope there's still a Rannoch left to save."

"I called Jason," her husband said, referring to Shepard's more than capable secretary. "He's got it under control. He knows not to let the other councilmembers start without you."

She nodded. "Okay then."

"Will you just promise me one thing, Love? He sat next to her on the couch; covered her hand with his much larger one. "I know how important these talks are, so I'm not going to try to get you not to go. But don't take any chances with your health, okay? Take the time you need to rest. Allow yourself to bond with our new little girl. And when this is all over," he added, "Let's get lost for a while. We can go visit mom at the orchard and get used to being a family of four."

"That's more than one thing," she pointed out, managing a mischievous smile. Kaidan just rolled his eyes. "But I'll promise anyway. A vacation sounds nice."

"Good." He leaned over to brush his lips over hers in a brief kiss. They pulled back a moment later when the door chime sounded.

"That'll be the cab," Kaidan announced, jumping to his feet and gently helping Shepard up as well.

"I'll get the door," she volunteered. "You go get Ash's safety seat, alright?"

"Sure," he agreed, taking their son by the hand and turning them towards the short hall. "Come on, Ash. You can help Daddy."

Pausing to ride out one more uncomfortable contraction, Shepard made her way to the front door and hit the intercom button.

"Hi," a pleasant female voice answered. "I'm from Jezza's Cab Company. I was told to pick up the Alenko family."

With a relieved sigh, Shepard hit the door control and took a step back. "It'll just be another minute," she said, as the metal panels slid apart. "My husband is in the other room getting our son's…." She paused, taken aback by the sight in front of her.

Every inch of the quarian woman's skin was covered in one of the protective enviro-suits the pro-Geth half of Rannoch's population had all but abandoned. This alone would have made Shepard a little wary. However, that was nothing compared to the heavy pistol the woman was now pointing at her face.

"Hello, Counselor Shepard-Alenko," the young woman snarled. "Go ahead and sit back down. You and I are going to have a little chat."

* * *

_Author's notes:_

_Kaidan sings "Solomon's Song" by Plumb._

_This chapter was all over the place, and I cannot apologize enough for that. It was kind of a filler chapter as I tried to give you as much information all at once as possible. I hope it made sense._

_I'm planning two more parts to this fic. Part 6b will finish this particular storyline. Part 6c will be a short epilogue._


	9. Part 6b: Crescendo

**Part 6b: "Crescendo"**

There were plenty of harrowing moments in Councilor Shepard-Alenko's adult life that would forever stand out in her memory. Being in active labor, while her home was invaded by a quarian terrorist wasn't quite first on the list, but it just might make the top twenty or so. However, even while staring down the barrel of an M3-Preditor (a gun that held quite a bit of sentimental value for Shepard), while feeling her strongest contraction to date, burn its way across her midsection; she wasn't frightened. This misguided, arrogant, melodramatic piece of work was threatening her life and the lives of her family. No, Shepard wasn't afraid; she was fucking pissed.

"You do know this whole block of apartments is reserved for high ranking politicians, right?" She asked her would-be-assassin. "The security system is wired up like a Vegas Christmas tree and the halls are crawling with C-Sec officers. Any second now, someone is going to body slam you into a wall and introduce you to your new permanent six-by-eight residence."

The woman snorted, prompting Shepard to wonder if she'd just blown snot onto her suit's protective faceplate. "How stupid do you think I am?" She fairly shouted.

Unflinching, Shepard quipped, "Is that a trick question?"

"I was on a handpicked team of engineers hired to put this place back together after the reaper war. I practically built the whole damn wing. Bypassing security was a piece of cake."

Shepard scowled. "I was under the impression you can't eat cake, or you die."

The quarian screamed, irrational rage making her voice vibrate even more than the electronics in her suit. She held the gun more tightly in her hands and it shook a little as the woman stalked forward a few steps. Shepard was forced to back up farther into her living room. "Are you really so arrogant," the woman spat, "that you'd joke about the suffering of my people? We are trapped inside these suits from birth until the day we die. We can't cuddle our children, comfort our sick, or even make love without the threat of serious illness hanging over our heads. We eat purified food paste for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And let me tell you this, Counselor; that old adage, that you can get used to anything with enough practice, is a lie. That stuff tastes like varren shit from the very first overly thick slurp and it never gets any better."

"One of my best friends is a quarian," Shepard responded calmly. "She wore a lovely blue dress in my wedding. She ate every item on the dextro based portion of the menu at the reception, without so much as a belly ache afterwards. She can hold hands, kiss, and make love with her partner without a barrier, and he isn't even a quarian himself. They are looking into artificial insemination so they can have a child together; barring that, adoption is always an option, especially nowadays. But regardless of how they acquire their children, they will always be able to show them physical affection."

The terrorist literally snarled behind her faceplate. "Tali Zorrah vas Normandy is a traitor to our people," she claimed. "She was in league with the Geth before the reapers even invaded and now that we have our homeworld back, she is in league with them still."

"How exactly did she betray your people," Shepard asked, "Was it when she helped peacefully reclaim your planet after a centuries long war? How about when she aided the allied counsel races in destroying the reapers? No, no, I know what it was," the former Commander tapped her chin, feigned an epiphany, "It was when she developed the software to resurrect the Geth, wasn't it? And then, she had the audacity to encourage so many of your people to put aside the old fears and petty differences that caused you to lose your planet in the first place. This _travesty_," Shepard melodramatically emphasized the word, "of a truce allowed the geth, who still surprisingly give a damn about what happens to your people, to help build up your previously non-existent immune systems. Oh, the horror!" Shepard cried, sitting down on the couch and laying the back of her hand against her forehead in an exaggerated swoon. "The quarian people are going to get to live long, healthy, suit-free lives. Tali Zorah deserves to be shot on sight!"

"The Geth are an abomination!" the woman cried, "an epic mistake. They've slaughtered thousands upon thousands of my people. They kept us from our home. They've destroyed families; _my_ family." Her voice broke into a half-formed sob. "Their total destruction is the only positive thing the reaper war gave us and Tali Zorah didn't only find a way to bring them back, but she would have us break bread with those monsters!"

"Again with the food," Shepard quipped. "Neither the Geth, nor you, since you've refused their help, can actually eat bread."

The pistol in the women's hand shook even harder. "You mock my pain!" She screeched.

"Why the hell not," Shepard replied through gritted teeth. "You're prolonging mine." She leaned over her swollen belly and let out a long low groan. The contractions were getting stronger and Shepard was running out of ways to draw out her conversation with the crazy quarian with a gun.

"Keelah," the quarian breathed, lowering her weapon a few inches. "You're in labor!"

"You really are a few ships short of a flotilla, aren't you?" Shepard replied, her rage building back up to boiling point. "Why else does a heavily pregnant woman call a cab before dawn even _thinks_ about bending over to show us his crack!"

Taking a few moments to absorb this, the woman finally replied, "I don't care. It doesn't change anything. It will just make you more desperate to cooperate."

"Look, I don't have a lot of time here; why don't we cut to the chase?" Shepard let out a frustrated sigh. "You can tell me whatever it is you want. I can tell you to go to Hell, and then I can get to the hospital to have this baby. Sound like a plan?"

Shepard could almost see the quarian's shocked, gaping expression through the translucent faceplate. "Do you _want_ me to shoot you?" she asked incredulously.

"What I want," the former commander told her, "is for you to go fuck yourself and the ship you rode in on."

"Keelah," the woman gasped, "you really do have a death wish!"

"Please," Shepard shook her head. "I've known my share of assassins and you, unless you are the worst one ever born, are not an assassin. If you were, I'd be dead by now. That means you want something, so tell me what it is."

"You're going to call off the peace talks." The woman said plainly.

"Right now, at three in the morning?" Shepard snorted. "I'm pretty sure most of the other councilmembers are still asleep. Although," she added, "Irissa's got a bit of a thing for pretty, young drell, so maybe…."

"Shut up!" the woman screamed. "You're going to tell the council you stand behind the true quarians. You're going to demand no further geth be made operational and draft up a plan to dismantle all the ones that currently are."

Another burning contraction assaulted Shepard's abdomen. "Why," she moaned, "in the name of God, the Spirits, Kalahira, Athame, the flipping Enkindlers, and every other deity the galaxy calls holy, would I do that?"

"Because, they deserve to die!" she cried, and Shepard could hear the thick rasp of tears working their way into her voice. "They are directly responsible for the deaths of everyone I have ever cared about. They shouldn't be allowed to exist beside us. They are evil, murdering, butchers!"

Shepard rolled to her feet with a grunt of exertion and looked the quarian straight in her glowing, vengeful eyes. "They," she said with conviction, "aren't the ones holding a gun on a pregnant woman in her home."

The quarian looked taken aback, a little sliver of uncertainty working its way into her mind. "But," she looked down at her gun, "I'm not…I just want…"

"You want justice," Shepard told her, taking a few steps forward. "You want to know your family hasn't been forgotten. I get that; believe me, I really do."

The young woman's shoulders shook with barely contained sobs. "I miss them so much," she cried. "And everyone just wants us to be friends with the geth; to forget the people they took from us."

"I know," Shepard said softly, taking a few more steps. "But is this how they'd want to be remembered? Would they want you to start another war in their name; for more and more people just like you, to be left without a family?"

"I…" the woman faltered, "I don't know."

"Just give me the gun," Shepard held out her hand. "Don't take my baby's life away from her. Don't make my little boy grow up without his mother."

Shepard wrapped her fingers around the cool metal of the pistol barrel the second it touched her skin. There was no resistance as she pulled it from the quarian's limp hand and quickly popped the heat sink with practiced ease. "You made the right decision," she said.

"I am a coward," the woman moaned, bending at the waist and using both hands to cover the smooth surface of her faceplate. "I will never be able to help my people now."

"What's your name?" Shepard asked, gently placing her palm on the quarian's shoulder.

"Landra Teron nar Vashta," she replied brokenly. "Although very soon I suspect it will be changed to nar Prison. That is," she amended, "if you aren't going to kill me yourself."

"If I'd wanted you dead," Shepard replied, "you wouldn't have made it two steps inside this apartment. As it was, I had a hell of a time actually keeping you alive."

Landra took a step back, "What do you mean?" She asked, her voice on edge again. "I was the one holding the gun. I could have killed you at any time."

"Well, no." The councilwoman informed her. "I am embarrassed to admit you did have one tiny, half-second long opportunity to shoot me while I was opening the front door. After that though, you didn't stand a chance. Even with thirty extra pounds hanging off my hips and the muscle spasms from hell running through me every few minutes, I still could have disarmed you with little trouble. But even if I couldn't" she added, "Even if I had been so wracked with pain, or fear, or weakness, that I couldn't move, you still wouldn't have made it out alive if you hadn't handed me your pistol."

The quarian looked skeptical. "Why is that, exactly?

Shepard gestured to the wall behind them with a graceful wave of her hand. "Because they like me better than you."

The gasp Landra made as she slowly turned around gave Shepard no small amount of satisfaction. Crowded into the small living area and spilling out of the front door, were more than a dozen C-Sec officers in full combat gear. They held a myriad of semi-automatic weapons, all aimed at the quarian's face. Kaidan stood at their center; M-8 Avenger held high, his rage manifesting in a menacing blue glow.

"You alright, Love," he called out, the tiny waver in his voice alerting Shepard to just how worried he'd been.

"Oh, you know," his wife replied, "same old, same old." She moaned as the worst contraction yet squeezed the breath from her body and the strength from her legs. She slid to the floor in an exhausted slump.

In a heartbeat, the young quarian was surrounded, cuffed, and leaned face-first against the apartment wall. Kaidan reigned in his biotics and leapt the few feet to his wife, enfolding her in his arms and kissing her full on the mouth. "I can always trust you to laugh in the face of danger," he accused. "I swear to God you've just taken another ten years off my life. You should have let me make the shot."

Shepard recalled shaking her head towards Kaidan when he and the C-Sec officers first snuck into the room. "Landra deserved the chance to stop on her own and she did; problem solved, happy ending." She hissed out a slow breath as another contraction ripped through her. "Is Ash next door?"

"Yeah," her husband confirmed. "As soon as I heard what was going on, we climbed over our balcony to Irissa's. The asari counselor wasn't pleased I interrupted her date with her drell-of-the- month, but I didn't exactly give her a choice."

"Good," Shepard replied. "Can you do something for me now?"

"Anything," he promised.

She groaned again, pain making her vision blur a bit around the edges. "Help me up and get me to the hospital before this kid splits me in two."

Kaidan let out a light chuckle and kissed her hair. "Aye, aye, ma'am.

* * *

_Author's notes:_

_So many of you wanted Shepard to go renegade on this quarian's ass. I am sorry if this chapter was a disappointment. While I did consider going that route for a while, ultimately I had to stay true to my Shepard's paragon tendencies. I hope you liked it anyway. I enjoyed writing all of the snark.  
_

_Shepard actually did shake her head at Kaidan in this story, in order to prevent him it just looked like she was shaking it at the quarian.  
_

**_Only an epilogue left to write! I am so excited._  
**


	10. Part 6c: Postlude

_Sorry this took so long to get out. This chapter stirred up some unexpected real life feels that were hard to shake. So as a result, this chapter was very difficult for me to write. I hope you enjoy it though. It's really just a bit of fluff._

* * *

**Part 6c: "Postlude"  
**

"Perfection" was not a word Shepard was used to using. At her core, she was a soldier, a leader, and a diplomat. As such, experience had taught her perfection was something never to be considered attainable, for fear of gross disappointment. One could strive for it of course; reach out their arms to grasp that elusive unicorn of flawlessness, only to ultimately content themselves with something merely pleasant, or satisfactory. But here, in this quiet moment of uninterrupted peace, Shepard was starting to believe those previous assumptions were all a lie. Perfection may still have been a rare and precious thing, but it was certainly not impossible.

Partially reclined in the narrow hospital bed, Shepard cuddled her new daughter close, watching intently as the baby suckled at her breast. Squeezed into the space between her body and the bed's side bar, Ashton lay sound asleep; head of messy dark curls pillowed against her thigh.

Not two feet away, Kaidan was sprawled in the room's tiny arm chair. His long legs were stretched out in front of him, arms folded neatly on his belly. A bit of drool was leaking out the corner of his mouth, as his head lay at an awkward angle on top of the back cushion. Shepard smiled at the little breathy snores escaping her husband's mouth as he slept. It had certainly been a long thirty-six hours for all of them.

Finishing her meal, the newborn pulled away from her mother's breast and stretched her tiny lips into a giant yawn. Shepard covered herself back up with the hospital gown and gently turned the baby upright. She patted a steady rhythm against her little swaddled back and then, not for the first time over the past few hours, examined every detail of her new daughter's delicate features.

For the most part she looked much like any other human newborn: tiny, button nose; pink cupid's bow lips; cloudy gray-blue eyes. However, there was something about the curve of her little jaw and the shape of her eye sockets that was startlingly familiar. Then, of course there was the fluff of shockingly blonde hair swirling across the baby's scalp and peeking out of the tiny pink hat the nurses had given her. Kaidan had balked a bit upon first seeing it; surprised they'd produced a child with such a rare hair color, even despite Shepard's own fairly unique, light ginger locks. However, the former commander never even batted an eye at the sight, knowing immediately where their little girl had acquired her looks.

Shepard didn't think about her mother very often, determined to live in the present, rather than dwelling in the past. Her death and the deaths of the rest of her family had been sudden and horrible, but there were many years separating the frightened girl she used to be and the woman holding her own children in this hospital bed. Regardless, there was no denying who her daughter resembled. Instead of sorrow though, the similarities just added to the counselor's joy.

Suddenly, Shepard had an acute desire to do something she hadn't indulged in since she was a child herself. Maybe it was due to the exhaustion she felt, or the overwhelming relief that her family had emerged from the past twenty-four hours unscathed. It was definitely in part because of her newfound ability to once again look into her mother's eyes, miniaturized as they were on her daughter's tiny face. Quickly glancing towards her husband to reassure herself he was still asleep, she gave into the urge; recalling a long forgotten lullaby her mom used to sing, and hoping against hope she might just be in the right key.

_"They didn't have you where I come from  
Never knew the best was yet to come  
Life began when I saw your face  
And I hear your laugh like a serenade."_

Shepard's daughter stared up at her in awe, giving the councilor the confidence she needed to continue, despite her distinct lack of musical talent. Running her free hand through Ashton's dark curls to include him in the blessing, Shepard continued her mother's lullaby. __

"How long do you want to be loved?  
Is forever enough, is forever enough?  
How long do you want to be loved?  
Is forever enough?  
Cause I'm never, never giving you up.

Just as she was finishing the last note, a gentle tap on Shepard's shoulder caused her to nearly jump out of her skin. She turned quickly to the side, suddenly on guard, only to instantly relax when she saw who'd touched her.

"Sorry," her husband murmured, blushing slightly. "I didn't mean to startle you."

The councilor's lips pulled into a tired smile. "That's alright," she told him. "I was pretty focused."

"I could tell," he chuckled, leaning in to gaze down at their daughter's angelic little face. "Oh hello," he cooed, his voice raising half an octave. "Look who decided to wake up."

"Does daddy want a turn?" Shepard asked, slightly shifting the tiny bundle towards her husband.

"Absolutely," he affirmed, letting her slip the baby into his arms. "I thought this time around wouldn't affect me as much, but I'm just as blown away as I was with Ash. God, she's beautiful," he exclaimed, breathlessly.

"She looks like my mother," Shepard said aloud for the first time. The last word caught a bit in her suddenly too dry throat.

Kaidan leaned over the bed rail to place a gentle kiss against his wife's temple. "I was going to say she looks a lot like you," he told her softly. "I guess you both have quite a bit of your moms in you."

Shepard managed a tight, grateful smile and quickly blinked back the tear that threatened to fall. "I know we'd settled on something else," she told him, "but I'd really like to name the baby after her, if that's okay. We can use our original pick as a middle name."

"Hannah Joy," Her husband mused, his lips spreading into a pleasant smile. "I think it's perfect. Of course," he added a moment later. "Now I have to live with _two_ Shepard woman. God help me."

The councilwoman let out a bark of laughter.

"Mock me if you want, "he continued, "but all life in council space and the terminus systems will weep in sympathy for me, when they hear the news. It's a good thing no one gets stomach ulcers anymore, or my gut would be riddled with holes by the time she's ten."

"Well for one," Shepard counted out on her fingers, "She's not a Shepard; she's an Alenko." That was something they'd decided very early on with Ash. Their children would be in the public eye quite enough. They didn't need the added attention her famous name would give them. "And for two," she continued, "I'm pretty sure you think we're worth the trouble."

"You got me on that one," he agreed, once more turning his attention to the baby in his arms. "And look how special you are?" he addressed their daughter, once more using the higher version of his voice. "Your mom and I have been through some pretty serious stuff together and she's never once sung for me. How'd you pull that one off, huh?"

"Ugh," Shepard grimaced, feeling her face grow hot. "I really hoped you hadn't heard that."

Kaidan let out a hearty chuckle. "It was beautiful," he said, beaming from ear to ear. "You give yourself far too little credit."

"Right," she deadpanned, "because you actually enjoy listening to Krogan throat singing."

He snorted out another quick laugh. "It wasn't that bad," he insisted, "But even if it had been, I still would have enjoyed every note. There are certain sides to the infamous Commander Shepard that only I get to see."

Still frowning, she retorted, "Let's keep it that way, okay?"

Kaidan smirked playfully. "Is that an order, Madam Councilor?"

"If it has to be, Spectre Alenko." she quipped. "And make up your mind. Am I your Councilor, or your Commander? I seem to remember us both retiring from the Alliance a few years back."

Tucking their precious daughter securely into the crook of one arm, Kaidan reached for his wife's hand and intertwined their fingers. "You are both, and everything," he said. "And to me exclusively," he kissed her fingertips, "you are the love of my life and the mother of our two amazing children."

Shepard rested her head against her husband's shoulder and closed her eyes, overwhelmed with happiness. That lasted about thirty seconds.

"And now," Kaidan continued, his next words setting her teeth on edge, "I really want you to finish singing that lullaby."

"In which universe exactly," Shepard asked, gesturing towards the ceiling, "do you expect that spectacular event to happen?"

"Please, Love," he drawled, flashing the most pathetic set of puppy eyes she'd ever seen.

"Uh uh," she stood firm. "You're the singer in this family, not me."

Kaidan pouted playfully. "But, I really want to know how the song ends."

A great, heaving sight escaped her mouth. To her horror, she felt herself giving in. "You promise you won't laugh?"

Kaidan placed their joined hands over his heart and attempted his most sincere expression. "Scouts honor," he vowed.

"Fine," she grumbled. "Give me back the baby." Kaidan slid the infant into her arms without argument. She stared down at the tiny, angelic face and once again felt the calming bliss that had overcome her earlier. Reaching down to their son, who was still dead asleep against her thigh, she raked her fingers through his silky curls. This is what contentment feels like, she thought and then opened her mouth to finish the second half of her mother's lullaby.

"_As you wander through this troubled world  
In search of all things beautiful,  
You can close your eyes when you're miles away  
And hear my voice like a serenade."_

_How long do you want to be loved?  
Is forever enough, is forever enough?  
How long do you want to be loved?  
Is forever enough?  
Cause I'm never, never giving you up._

"Thank you," her husband breathed against her cheek as he gave her a loving kiss. "I know that took a lot for you to do."

"No kidding," she replied. "I've faced down rogue spectres, reapers, terrorists, and irritating diplomats without a problem, but ask me to sing and..." A light knock on the door interrupted their banter. "Yes?"

A handsome young drell peeked his head inside. Shepard recognized him as one of the nurses on her floor.

"I'm sorry to bother you Madam Councilor," he said with a tentative politeness, "but there's a group of people here asking to see you. They say they're friends of yours, but they seemed kind of shady. I tried to tell them visiting hours aren't for a while yet, but they insisted."

Kaidan tensed, ever the protector. "Who are they?" he asked cautiously.

"I'm not sure," the nurse continued, "but it's like a diplomatic meeting of species or something. There's a pretty battle scared Turian, a suitless quarian, an attractive young Asari, a female shaped mech, and a few humans. If you want me to send them away I can, but one of the human males absolutely _huge_. I'll have to call in C-Sec to help if he..."

Shepard interrupted him with a loud chuckle. "Let them in," she urged, a huge smile overcoming her face. "They're family."

* * *

**Author's notes:**

_Please tell me what you think. I LOVE reviews!_

_Shepard sings "Lullaby" by the Dixie Chicks._

_I was originally going to end the story here, but now I'm kinda feeling like writing the little crew reunion in the hospital room. Does anyone want to read that? I also have a couple of outtakes to post at some point One of them is finished and one is mostly done._


	11. Outtake: Dissonance

_Serenade Outtake : **Dissonance**_

_**Dissonance** – a musical term meaning, "Harsh, discordant, and lack of harmony. Also a chord that sounds incomplete until it resolves itself on a harmonious chord."_

_(Takes place immediately after Priority: Thessia) _

* * *

Shepard disappeared nearly the minute they were back on the ship; noisily leaving a trail of discarded weapons and half used heat sinks in her wake. Cortez stumbled and nearly fell to the cold shuttle bay floor as the side of the Commander's favorite pistol impacted with his chest. He gaped after her, listening to the echo of her heavy footsteps as she continued her frenzied march to get away. Kaidan tried to follow, stowing his armor in the lockers as quickly as possible before sprinting after her, but she'd already slipped past the elevator doors, disappearing from view.

"Hey man," a gentle hand landed on the Major's shoulder and he turned to meet James Vega's concerned gaze. The larger man gestured towards the debris littering the cavernous room, to the closed elevator doors, and to the startled expression still frozen across Lieutenant Cortez's usually friendly face. "What happened?"

The question prompted Liara, who'd hardly moved an inch since returning to the Normandy, to slide down the side of the shuttle in a boneless heap. Kaidan's heart squeezed painfully in his chest. He scrubbed a palm across his tired face and managed to tear his eyes away from the young asari silently weeping into her knees. He met James's gaze again and hoped the Lieutenant couldn't hear the agony is his voice.

"We lost."

** O**

An eerie quiet assaulted Kaidan's senses as he stepped out onto the landing in front of the CO's cabin. The foreboding he felt increased exponentially when a couple of failed attempts to enter his passcode proved he was effectively locked out.

"EDI," he spoke softly into the air.

"Yes, Major." The Normandy's AI sounded uncharacteristically somber this afternoon. He supposed the news of Thessia's fall had reached the entire ship by now.

"Please open the door to the Commanders quarters," he asked as politely as possible, despite feeling rather ready to claw through the metal with bare hands.

EDI paused for half a heartbeat. "Commander Shepard has given me explicit orders not to be disturbed by anyone."

"EDI! I just need..." Stopping himself mid-tirade, Kaidan leaned his forehead into the cool metal door. He needed to take a deep breath before accidentally taking the whole damn day out on the hapless AI. "Please," he asked quietly this time. "I just want to make sure she's alright."

"You didn't let me finish, Major," she complained, the irritation in her voice sounding surprisingly human. "The Commander told me not to let her be disturbed, but I do not believe this is an order I should follow." There was another short pause. When she spoke again, her voice was very quiet. "I think she may need you very much right now."

"Thank you, EDI," he said, just as the light on the door's lock flashed from red to green. "I won't forget this."

The disturbing quiet Kaidan had felt on the landing extended well into the cabin. Despite having blissfully shared this space with Shepard for the past few weeks, it suddenly felt cold and uninviting. Swallowing the dread trying to settle low into his belly, the Major silently made his way down the short staircase and towards the person always foremost on his mind.

Commander Shepard sat motionless on the edge of their bed, the upper half of her armor haphazardly scattered across the floor. Her expensive sentry interface: instead of being perched on her deceptively delicate, freckled nose; dangled limply from her long fingers. Her light ginger hair was a mess, limply falling in clumps from its usually pristinely severe bun. There was a bloody scrape across her cheek she'd yet to clean, and some rather dark shadows under her too bright eyes. Staring intently at the wall, she didn't seem to notice as her lover knelt before her and laid a gentle palm on her armored knee.

"Shepard," he soothed. "I'm here. Talk to me."

"There's nothing to talk about," she answered, the lack of emotion in her voice chilling Kaidan to the bone. "We lost," she continued. "People die. We move on."

"It's okay to take a moment to mourn." He told her. "You're not a machine. If you try to be one, you'll break."

"I'm fine," she said, the steel in her voice coming back full force. She brushed his hand away and popped up from the mattress so quickly, Kaidan stumbled a bit. The rest of her armor was quickly discarded to the floor as she made her way across the cabin. A moment later he heard the water turn on in their adjoining bathroom.

Not bothering to knock, he followed her inside. She'd pulled the hairpins out of her ruined bun and was brutally running a brush through the long ginger locks, periodically wetting the bristles in the steaming water she had pouring from the sink. "I said I'm fine, Kaidan," she insisted, gritting her teeth as she used her fingers to rip a particularly nasty knot apart.

The Major pulled the brush out of her hand and set it down on the sink more harshly than was strictly necessary. "Stop this." He hissed through gritted teeth.

Shepard grabbed an elastic band off the counter and, ignoring the rest of the knots for now, tied her damp hair back at the nape of her neck. "The longer we wait," she retorted, "the more people die. We've already lost enough. I don't need to waste more time by sitting here talking about my feelings."

Kaidan stared at her flushed, angry face through the steam. "You are not fine," he insisted.

"And how the hell would you know!" She all but screamed, her fists balling up as if ready to swing.

"Because I was there," he told her, reaching down to gently clasp each of her fists. "I've seen just as many worlds fall as you have. I've lost people I love over and over again. I've seen children die in the streets while they cry out for someone to help them and been powerless to do so. And after the stunt they just pulled, "he added, I hate Cerberus just as much as the reapers. I want them all to fucking die and I want them do it by my hands."

Shepard took a deep shuddering breath. "Join the club, Alenko." She managed to croak out. "What's your point?"

"My point, Commander," he told her, "is that I am most definitely _not_ fine."

Shepard turned to face the sink, obviously pretending to ignore his words. "I'm okay," she insisted again, before leaning down to splash hot water across her face. She grimaced as the dried blood on her cheek loosened, opening the gash enough to let fresh blood spill down to her chin.

"Here," Kaidan said gently, moving to grab a bit of medigel-soaked gauze off the shelf. "Let me help."

"Ow!" she flinched as he made contact with the wound. "Just stop helping me!" she cried, her voice breaking. "I'm fine. I swear to God, I'm okay. I just need..."

Kaidan's own eyes filled with hot tears as the Commander's words trailed off into a harsh sob. She bent forward at the waist, one arm tightly wrapped around her middle, the other pressed to her mouth, desperately trying to stifle the sound of her cries. "I don't have time to..." she sobbed. "I can't..."

He was ready when her knees gave out, gently catching her in his arms and carrying her the short distance to the bed. Great, heaving sobs escaped her mouth as months of pain and stress came out in one torrential rush. He curled himself around her, tucking her face into his chest and trying to absorb some of her agony. She clutched at the front of his uniform, her whole body convulsing with each powerful cry. "I'm here," he soothed, at a loss at what else to say. "I love you."

It was some time before Shepard quieted enough for Kaidan to relax. He just laid as still as possible, holding her close and rubbing soothing circles on her back. Eventually, her breathing eased into such a deep, even rhythm, he was sure she'd fallen asleep. It was a bit of a shock when she spoke.

"All those people," she sighed, blinking back more tears. "On Earth, on Thessia, and all those desperate refugees on the citadel. So many lives have been lost already. It doesn't feel like we're making any difference at all."

Kaidan's heart ached terribly at her words. "It's not your fault," he assured her.

Shepard let out a mirthless laugh. "I've heard that before," she told him. "For some reason it never makes me feel any better."

"That's because you have such a good heart," he said, letting her hear the conviction in his voice. "There's a reason the galaxy sees you as the best of humanity."

"I don't know if I can do this anymore, Kaidan." She whispered into his chest. "Everyone is expecting me to save them, but I'm only one person and I'm so damn tired."

"You _can _do this," he insisted, not a doubt in his mind.

"What makes you so sure?"

Kaidan reached down to interlace his fingers with hers. "Because, you have never been just one person. There isn't a single crewmember on this ship that doesn't have your back, who wouldn't lay down their life to make sure you succeed. And there's a hell of a lot more of them out there right now, fighting right along with us."

Shepard's lips pulled into a small smile, before she snuggled more tightly into his arms. "Thank you."

"Anytime and every time," He said, leaning in to kiss her hair.

"I can't keep my eyes open," she murmured, "but there is so much to do. I have to call the Asari counselor."

"Sleep," he said, smoothing a hand across her tangled hair. "She'll still be there when you wake up." And giving her fingers a gentle squeeze, he added, "And so will I."

* * *

_Author's notes:_

_This is one of a few outtakes I will be posting for this story. Let me know what you though. :D_


	12. Outtake: Elegy

_Serenade Outtake 3: **Elegy**_

_Summary: An accompanying piece to my Female Shepard/Kaidan Alenko fic, "Serenade," however it stands fairly well on its own. - Following Mass Effect 3's "Destroy" ending, Shepard has just died in Kaidan's arms in rubble on the citadel. Takes place immediately after Chapter 4 of Serenade._

_Rated PG-13 (for brief swearing)_

_**Elegy** – An instrumental lament, with praise for the dead._

* * *

Kaidan didn't quite recall how he'd made it into the small, dark office aboard the Destiny Ascension. He remembered Shepard slowly slipping away in his arms, as they'd sat on the freezing cold floor of what was left of the Citadel. He remembered her asking him to sing her a love song. He'd felt her breathe her last breath.

Events were a little fuzzy after that. When the medics pulled Shepard's lifeless body from his arms, he'd kind of lost it a bit. Hours later he still felt the telltale signs of too much strong emotion; sore throat, screaming headache, gritty eyes. The last time he'd felt so emotionally raw had been...well, he huffed a cheerless laugh. It was right after the last time she'd died on him.

Someone must have stripped his armor off, because here he sat in the same dingy set of BDU's he'd put on...was it really just this morning? He realized he had no idea what time it was, or how long they'd been fighting that final battle. It felt like years. Kaidan scrubbed a palm over his scruffy, dirty face and willed his eyes not tear up once more.

"Is this seat taken, Major?"

Kaidan looked up; wincing as the light from the open door stabbed his eyes. Admiral Hackett stood before him, gesturing to the unoccupied space next to him on the sofa. He tried to get up; willed his body to provide the proper respectful salute, but for some reason his legs refused to cooperate. "I'm sorry, Sir," he stammered, "I can't seem to..."

"At ease, Alenko." The Admiral's voice was gentle as he took a seat to the major's left. "We're a little beyond formality at this point in the game."

"Have you heard..." the words caught in Kaidan's throat. He coughed, took a deep breath, and tried again. "Do you know anything about Shepard?"

The Admiral shook his head. "She's still in surgery. I only arrived a few minutes ago myself. Some members of my crew are badly injured and needed immediate medical attention. The Ascension was the closest ship with a large enough trauma team."

Kaidan nodded. "That's why we're here too."

A particularly awkward pause followed the Major's matter of fact statement. It was a relief when Hackett finally got around to the reason he'd tracked Kaidan down in the first place. "Can you tell me anything about what happened when Shepard was on the Citadel?" He asked, all business now. "We've been trying to piece together the order of events leading up to the crucible's activation, but from all accounts only Shepard and Anderson actually made it through the transport beam."

"Can't Anderson..." Kaidan let the question trail off when he saw the Admiral's grave expression. The agonizing drum beat in his temples increased in tempo. "Oh, I'm sorry."

"Thank you," Hackett accepted graciously. "He was a good friend and an even better leader. He'll be missed by many. "

"Yes," Kaidan didn't know what else to say.

"I need to know what happened on that station, Major." The Admiral continued. "We can't rest on our laurels now that the reapers are seemingly defeated."

"As you said sir, she was alone." Kaidan gritted his teeth until the pain was completely unbearable. While he'd sat on his ass in the Normandy's med bay being force fed medigel, the woman he loved had been single handedly saving the galaxy. "I was injured in the rush to the beam." He told Hackett. "Shepard ordered me to evac. Doc patched me up just in time for search and rescue."

The Admiral nodded. "Mr. Vega told me he was the one who initially found the Commander, but since you're a trained field medic, you sat with her while he flagged down transport. Did she tell you anything at all during those few minutes that could help us?"

Kaidan closed his eyes against a wave of grief even more powerful than the migraine currently ripping his brain to shreds. "She said plenty," he finally rasped, "but not about anything relevant."

"Are you sure?" The Admiral was like a dog with a bone. "There might have been something small that you missed. What exactly did she say?"

A mirthless, bitter laugh escaped the Major's throat. He wondered if Hackett would want to know about the sweet love song she'd asked him to sing, or the taste of blood on her lips as they'd kissed goodbye. Would it matter to galactic security that she'd cried real tears of relief upon seeing him alive? Would one more person be saved by knowing she wanted babies with his eyes?

Kaidan met the Admiral's inquisitive gaze, heedless of the tears now streaming down his grimy face, and gruffly answered, "She said she'd marry me."

Hackett's expression gentled. "I see," he said softly, laying a heavy hand on Kaidan's shoulder. "We suspected of course, Anderson and I. Your reaction at Shepard's memorial service a few years ago was hardly subtle."

"Why didn't you say anything?" Kaidan was astonished. "You could have thrown the book at me."

The admiral gave his shoulder a light squeeze before letting go. "She was gone," he said. "It seemed an insult to injury to involve either of you in a scandal. We wanted to keep her memory a heroic one, for as long as that lasted. And then by the time you two were working together again, we had much bigger things to worry about than fraternization regs, especially between two spectres."

"Thank you, sir," Kaidan managed. "These last few weeks together meant a lot to us. I'll take whatever punishment you deem is necessary. And I'll get back out there to help the relief efforts as soon as..." Kaidan fell heavily to his knees the instant he attempted to stand. The small office had suddenly turned into one of those spinning carnival rides his parents had taken him to as a child. "I guess I just need a minute."

Hackett secured an arm around the Kaidan's shoulders and eased him back up onto the small sofa, proving himself to be much stronger than he looked. "You need more than a minute there, Major," he said. "When's the last time you slept?"

Kaidan grimaced. He had absolute no idea.

"That's what I thought," the Admiral shook his head. "Look, I have to go, but you get some rest. We all need you in top form if you're going to be any help to anyone."

Kaidan opened his mouth to protest, but the older man cut him off.

"She's going to need you when she wakes up, Alenko. Make sure you're capable of being there for her."

"Yes sir." Kaidan raised his arm in a weak salute, seconds before the door clicked shut.

Minutes or hours later, the brush of gentle fingers on his forehead jerked Kaidan from a restless sleep. He groaned pitifully as the splitting pain behind his eyes became ever more insistent. The room was too dark and his vision far too blurry to make out just exactly what was going on.

"Just relax, Major," Karin Chakwas's soothing voice spoke close to his ear. "I'm going to give you something for that pesky migraine. You'll feel better soon."

He hissed as the syringe pieced his arm. "Shepard?" He rasped out.

"Still in surgery," the doctor told him quietly. "It's been about eight hours total now. But Miranda Lawson's been in the operating theater with them for the past four, which definitely bodes well."

"What..." Kaidan took a deep breath and then continued. "What's happening? Tell me details."

Karin sighed, obviously reluctant. "She's going to make it Kaidan," she insisted. "They've got that lion's heart of hers beating again and no one is giving up until she's stable. I can promise you that."

"But…"

"Shhhh," the doctor interrupted. "Just go to sleep. I'll wake you the minute I know anything more. I promise."

Kaidan wanted to argue some more, but the drugs were already taking affect. "I need her," he whispered, as the fog overtook his mind. The last thing he heard was Karin's soothing voice.

"We all do."

**O...O...O...O**

The breeze smelled distinctly of pine and wheat, just as she remembered it. Shepard dug her bare toes into the rich soil under the old hollow log where she sat and gazed off the cliff into the distance. The gorgeous yellow and red sunset behind the purple mountains was just as she remembered it too.

"It certainly is beautiful here, Skipper," said a bright voice to her left. "Wish I could have visited it sooner."

"Nothing was the same after the raid," Shepard answered her friend. She gestured towards the valley below them. It was a lovely patchwork of family farms, interspersed with a combination of wooden farmhouses and prefab structures. An old fashioned town hall had been built at their center. She pointed to a large plot of wheat covered land on the far edge of the valley. It boasted a lovely blue home and a barn large enough for a few horses. "That was our farm," she said. "This is how I remember Mindoir."

"It's a good memory," the young woman answered.

"So are you," the Commander stated firmly, finally turning to view her companion. Ashley Williams was both just as Shepard remembered her and completely changed. She was dressed from head to foot in comfortable looking civilian clothes and her lovely dark hair cascaded freely down her back in waves. "Are you the welcome committee?" She asked.

Ash flashed her a mischievous smile. "You could say that."

Shepard smiled back. "How'd you get stuck with it? You draw the short straw?"

"Are you kidding?" Ashley snorted inelegantly. "I won, big time! There was a line a mile long to greet the "_Great and powerful Commander Shepard."_

"Right," she grimaced at her friend's mocking tone. "You know I didn't choose to be that person?"

"I know," the former gunnery chief answered her. "That's just how things are sometimes_. Be not afraid of greatness," _she recited_ "Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and others..."_

"Have greatness thrust upon them," Shepard finished for her. "I actually know that one; Shakespeare, right?"

Ashley smiled brightly. "That's right, Skipper. Twelfth Night; act two, scene five. "

"Anyway," Shepard changed the subject. "Is this heaven? I have to say, I'm slightly underwhelmed."

"Please," Ashley huffed. "You _wish_ this was heaven."

"Okay," she acquiesced. "I'll play along. Where are we then? Is this even real? Am I dead? Am I dreaming?"

"That's a lot of questions all at once," the younger woman quipped. "And are you really going to believe anything I tell you anyway?"

Shepard thought for a moment. She stared down at the grubby blue jeans she hadn't worn since being a teenager and saw the dirt under her fingernails from weeding the garden with her father. None of that could possibly exist anymore. "No," she finally answered, "I probably wouldn't."

"It's just as well," her friend sighed, rocking back and forth on the log. "Most likely you're not staying anyway."

"I see." Shepard's heart sank into her stomach. It made sense that she'd get no final reward. There was no way she deserved it after all the horrific things she'd done; to the thousands upon thousands of Batarians on Aratoht; to the synthetic races she'd sacrificed to destroy the reapers; to the friends that she'd let die.

"Oh stop it right now." Ashley's voice was equal parts disgusted and annoyed. "None of that was your fault, so quit blaming yourself. The reason you're not staying here is because you're not staying dead. It's kind of your thing, even if you've already coded four times on the operating table today. And how come you're suddenly so upset by the idea of not getting into heaven, when you weren't even convinced it's real in the first place?"

Shepard crossed her arms petulantly. "I refuse to argue with my subconscious."

Ashley threw her head back and let out a hearty guffaw. "Imagine that," she finally managed to choke out, one arm wrapped around her convulsing stomach, "I just won an argument with Commander Shepard!"

The older woman smirked. "Is this now your favorite spot on the Citadel?"

"Don't be silly, Skipper," Ash managed to choke out between chuckles, "this is _Mindoir_."

Shepard couldn't help but join in the laughter. Joy spilled out of her until her sides ached and tears sprang to her eyes. It felt like years since she'd been this free. Eventually the two woman slumped backwards off the log into the grass, exhausted from their mirth. The commander stared up at the golden tinged clouds as the blue-green sky grew ever more dim.

"Just for argument's sake," she asked her former chief. "Who else was vying to meet me here?"

"Oh, tons of people," Ashley answered breathlessly. "There was this lovely drell who asked very politely. He wanted to introduce you to his wife. A very wordy salarian put his name in, but removed it at the last second. He was having too much fun playing with hoards of baby krogan. A whole army of geth and one very sweet young woman who used to be synthetic send their regards. They want you to know they don't blame you."

Shepard blinked away hot tears. "I wish that were true."

Ashley reached across the soft grass and clasped her friend's hand. "I wish you believed it."

The fingers surrounding hers felt real enough, Shepard mused. But then again, most dreams did, at least while you were still asleep.

"Your family misses you," Ash continued. "I almost gave up my spot to your mom, but I was afraid it would make you want to stay too much."

Hot tears sprang to Shepard's eyes at the very thought. "What's wrong with that?" she wanted to know.

"Besides the fact that you've never stayed dead before and there's no reason to believe you will this time?"

Shepard rolled her eyes.

"There's just too many people counting on you," Ash continued. "One very handsome senior officer in particular had to be physically wrested from your side so they could operate. I'm fairly certain he'd be devastated if you never went back."

The commander immediately felt sick with remorse. "I'd miss him too."

Ashley rolled over onto her side excitedly. "I totally called that back on the SR1!" She pointed at the commander and giggled in delight. "You two couldn't stop making cow eyes at each other. I swear the entire crew deck nearly burst into flames that one time he sang to you during Karaoke. Joker and I had a bet going on who was going to make the first move. He still owes me twenty creds! It completely pisses me off that I can't collect."

Shepard winced. "Yeah," she sighed. "I'm really sorry about that."

"There's nothing to forgive," Ashley assured the Commander. "You made the right choice."

"But..." Shepard couldn't help but feel guilty.

"Shut up, Skipper," Ash cut her off with a grin. "Sometimes people, especially those in charge, have to make tough decisions that have crappy consequences. It doesn't make you a bad person. It doesn't mean you wanted me to die."

The Commander was grateful for the words, but they didn't change reality. She took a deep breath and released it slowly, letting the action calm her nerves as the sky grew even darker. It wasn't long before she could barely keep her eyes open. Her body felt like lead. "Ash?" She addressed her long lost friend.

"Yes, Shepard?"

"Why am I so tired all of a sudden?" Ashley's face swam into view above her. Shepard blinked a few times, but her vision didn't clear.

"That'll be the drugs," her friend replied. "The docs have you pretty doped up. Otherwise you'd be in a considerable amount of pain right now. Don't worry," she continued when Shepard tried to speak again, "This is a good thing. It means you're waking up."

"But I...Can't I..." Wow, the Commander mused, word formation wasn't really her forte at the moment.

Ash's laugh was musical. "You're a riot when you're high," she pointed out, grinning like an idiot. "I'd laugh even harder if I wasn't going to miss you so much. Worst part is, you probably won't get to remember a great deal about this anyway, if anything at all. I mean seriously, if you can't remember the epic shenanigans we got into during those two years Cerberus was playing Frankenstein with your corpse, then I don't have much hope of you recalling today."

Well, that was certainly news. Shepard wanted to ask if she'd made it into heaven that time, but it came out sounding a bit like a hanar with a hangover. This one's tongue felt like it was coated in tar.

"Shhh," Ash laid a finger against the Commander's lips. "It's going to be over really soon and you have someone very special waiting for you on the other side. I need you to concentrate for one more moment though. Just look at my face, okay?"

Shepard managed an infinitesimal nod.

"I want you to try really hard to remember something for me. It's very important. "She leaned down to whisper instructions into her friend's ear. "You got that? Good!"

Oh God! Shepard was starting to feel the pain now, despite the drugs. Her lungs could barely expand, every breath feeling like she was inhaling battery acid. The temptation to sink back into oblivion was overwhelming.

"Goodbye Skipper," Ashley's voice was so very far away now. "And remember, _Death is nothing at all.  
I have only slipped away into the next room."_

_**O...O...O...O**_

Kaidan sat hunched over Shepard's hospital bed, watching in abject fascination as her eyes flittered back and forth behind closed lids. Six hours after her marathon, lifesaving surgery, she was still as pale as death, covered in bandages, and unresponsive. Yet those moving eyes, proof that she was dreaming - that she _lived _- calmed his aching heart.

"Hi, Baby," he said softly. He wasn't entirely sure if she could hear him or not, but figured it was worth a shot either way. Desperate to touch her, he reached for her left hand, the only exposed skin he could find that wasn't covered in scrapes, burns, or bruises. "I got that shave you said I needed," he told her, rubbing her palm against the smooth expanse of his cheek. "I got a hot shower and a meal too," he chuckled. "It pays to be a spectre in this place.

"Look," he continued, blinking back a few unexpected tears. "I'm not going to get to stay here with you for much longer. Hackett needs my help planetside and I can't exactly say no, spectre or not. Miranda Lawson - she came over to the Ascension just to oversee your surgery - says you can be transferred to an Alliance hospital on Earth as soon as you wake up They want you somewhere that specializes in human anatomy.

"We can be together then, Love." He paused to clear the lump starting to form in his throat. "Hackett knows all about us and doesn't really seem to care; something about spectres being out of his authority, but I think he's just a closet romantic. As soon as you open those gorgeous green eyes of yours, we can go back to Earth. And as soon as you're on your feet again, we can start checking things off your wish list. You still want those brown-eyed babies? I hope so, because I'd really like to give them to you."

"We'll have to do it right though," he added, brushing his lips across the backs of her cold fingers. "I'll introduce you to my mom. She's going to just love you to pieces, you know that?" He smiled, "she always wanted a daughter.

"And then as soon as I can, I'll find you a ring...somewhere." He thought for a moment about the devastated planet below them and huffed mirthlessly. "We'll keep it simple," he added. "We'll have Hackett officiate and mom and a few of our friends can witness. I just want us to start our life together, okay? How does that sound?"

The whirr and beep of machinery was the only response he got. A second later Kaidan's omnitool vibrated sharply, reminding him it was time to take a shuttle to Earth. "I have to go, Baby," he told her gruffly, scraping away a few errant tears with the heel of his hand. "I'll see you real soon, I promise."

Gently laying her hand on the thin blanket, Kaidan turned to go, giving her fingers one last gentle squeeze. He froze, stunned into stillness, when those delicate fingers lightly squeezed back.

"Shepard?" He was back in his seat in an instant, leaning over her still body and searching frantically for any other signs of movement. "Are you with me?"

Her eyes peaked open, just a tiny slit of green between strawberry-blonde lashes. She squeezed his hand again.

"Oh God, Shepard!" Tears streaming down his face, Kaidan let out a watery laugh and kissed her fingers. "I love you so much."

She licked her lips and tried to speak, her mouth just barely moving. Kaidan leaned down as far as he could and put his ear to her lips.

"Love you," she whispered. It sounded like her vocal cords were made of sandpaper, but to Kaidan it was just as lovely as the richest aria. Another buzz from his omnitool interrupted their tender moment.

"Shit!" he looked around frantically for a second, pulled in too many directions at once. "I still have to go, but I'll talk to the nurse on my way out. They'll check you out and get you ready to transport. With any luck I'll be sleeping on a cot next to you tonight."

He turned to leave again, but she stopped him, once more tugging lightly on his arm and attempting to speak.

"What do you need love?" he asked, bending down to listen. "Are you in pain?"

She shook her head before answering, her voice barely more than a puff of air on his cheek. "Tell Joker, he owes Ash twenty creds."

* * *

_Author's notes:_

_Ashley quotes Shakespeare's play "Twelfth Night," and the poem "Death is Nothing at All," by Canon Henry Scott-Holland. _

_Also, I am just writing these outtakes as I think of them. They are not in any particular chronological order. I apologize if this creates any confusion.  
_


	13. Outtake: Rain

Shenko ficlet: Rain

_Prompt from imagineyourotp on tumblr_

_This tiny outtake takes place somewhere after Shepard is injured, but before their wedding. Enjoy.  
_

* * *

Commander Sarah Shepard walked out of the hospital on her own two feet. Her steps faltered slightly, her cloned left leg still not quite living up to it's predecessor. But she was still moving under her own power; no wheelchair or crutches required.

Kaidan stayed at her side, his fingers intertwined with hers, until they were out from under the covered entrance. He had a big black umbrella clenched in his other hand, ready to protect her from the steady rain doing its best to drown Vancouver.

At ten o'clock in the morning, the sky was as gray as dusk from clouds and the remnants of a war she didn't think she'd ever feel was quite over. As far as the eye could see the devastation of the reapers handiwork still showed in the boarded up windows, toppled buildings, and shattered lives.

But the rain was clean and the air was fresh and Shepard filled her lungs with her new found freedom. She turned to her lover, a triumphant smile on her lips, because they had both come out on the other side of hell, if not unscathed, then at least together.

His joy reflected her's and half a heartbeat later Kaidan's lips came down in a gentle kiss. The touch was soft at first, barely more than a breath across her skin, but then she moaned and he responded, leaning in to give her all of himself.

The umbrella dropped, forgotten on the broken pavement as his warm arms surrounded her and held her close. She shivered as the cold rain fell on her hair and dripped down her scalp. Heavy strands fell from the knot at the base of her skull, but he brushed them away, clearing a path for his lips to travel further.

She was baptized; washed clean of sin and guilt as the rain came down and the man she loved drank the water from her lips. Her heart soared, lost in this one precious moment in time.

Because for the first time in years, she felt free.


	14. Outtake: Piano

_Summary_: An accompanying piece to my Female Shepard/Kaidan Alenko fic, "Serenade. Takes place immediately after chapter five. Kaidan and Shepard are recently married and expecting their first child. This little fic was heavily inspired by the Citadel DLC and has spoilers.

**Piano** – to play or sing softly or gently

* * *

"Well, it doesn't look too bad actually," Kaidan announced, stepping over the threshold and into what used to be Shepard's lovely apartment in the wards. "I bet a cleaning crew could get this place livable in just a few hours."

"If you say so," Shepard grimaced, following closely at his heels. Bits of broken glass and other debris crunched under her boots as she made her way farther into the living space. The luxurious apartment Anderson had gifted her, just weeks before his death and the end of the reaper war, was in shambles. The massive picture windows that once lined the entire left wall were now nothing but jagged empty holes, covered over with a shimmering blue stasis field. Anderson's precious books, along with the few personal effects Shepard had left there, were scattered everywhere, dislodged from their shelves as the reapers ripped the Citadel from its home in the Widow system and dragged it to Earth. The lovely art deco chandelier above the dining room table now littered the floor in tiny icicle-like shards and more than half the paintings her mentor had handpicked, had fallen haphazardly from their hooks and now lay broken on the dirty carpet.

"Okay, I know it looks bad" Kaidan soothed, "but structurally it's sound, which is more than can be said for a lot of the citadel, and we covered all the furniture with tarps before we left the last time, so most of that should be fine too." He moseyed up to her side and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, squeezing her tight. "It just needs a few new windows, maybe a couple of bright throw rugs, and a good scrubbing. Like I said; give me a few hours. I'll make some calls, hire a few people…pretty soon it will be good as new."

"You're right," she smiled up at her husband, before turning into his arms and snuggling against his chest for a moment. "It could be a lot worse."

Truth was, if she let herself really think about it – something she tried not to do, even on her best days- everything could be a lot worse. It was more than a year after the end of the war, and while she was still mourning so much of what was lost, she'd gained much in return.

Despite being gravely injured in the final battle, Shepard was standing on her own two feet now, even if one of them had needed to be cloned for her. Kaidan was whole and healthy and wearing her ring. Their first child, still the size of a grapefruit at this point, slept soundly in her womb. The implants in her body, necessary for much of her basic life functions, were starting to fail – most likely due to damage they sustained when the crucible had destroyed the reapers. However, Miranda was diligently crafting new ones at an ex-Cerberus facility and was hopeful they'd be ready to implant after Shepard had given birth. In the meantime she was slightly weak and tired easily, but so far the drugs they'd given her to counteract this were working fairly well – enough so that she and Kaidan could finally take this trip to the Citadel to check out her apartment. In fact, Admiral Hackett and the council had even started giving her some mild duties to fulfill; all paperwork related and boring as hell, but beggars couldn't be choosers.

On a galactic level, most of the council races were getting along for the time being, all working together to house refugees, rebuild planets, and try to work out a way to get this massive space station back to the Widow System where it belonged; although that last one was going to take a few years. EDI had been restored at almost 100% of the functionality she's enjoyed before. Tali was attempting to apply the same technology used on EDI to resurrect some of the geth, with some promising results. It was all a balm on Shepard's guilty conscience; a way to not regret all the horrible choices she'd had to make to get the job done.

"You still with me, Love?" Her husband's voice pulled Shepard from her maudlin thoughts. She looked up at his loving gaze and matched his grin.

"Yeah," she answered. "I'm always with you."

"Good to know," he teased, kissing her on the nose. "Why don't you go take a look around? Make a note of anything that needs repairing or replacing right away. I'll go make some phone calls, okay? See how fast we can get this all taken care of so we can enjoy our shore leave."

"Sounds like a plan," she agreed, giving Kaidan's fingers a light squeeze, before turning to do just that. She paused a second later when he didn't release her hand.

"You be careful, okay?" he pleaded, the same, slightly desperate panic in his eyes, that had been there since the end of the war. It was if he expected her to disappear the very moment she was out of his sight. It had gotten worse since they'd discovered her pregnancy and worse still as she grew weaker every day. His free hand slid down to gently cup the slight curve of her belly. "You're carrying…"

"…Precious cargo" she finished for him, "I know. I'll be careful." She turned to go again, throwing a final quip behind her as she ascended the dusty stairs. "I'm always careful." Her husband's hearty laugh followed her all the way up to the second floor.

It didn't take long to catalogue what needed to be done in the two upstairs bedrooms. The shower door was shattered, but the plumbing still miraculously worked. Most everything just needed to be cleaned and the bedding in both rooms replaced. The apartment was dingy enough though, that even just manipulating a few items had left a grimy coat of dust over Shepard's entire body. She sneezed a few times as she scanned the book spines in the connecting hall and was glad she'd tied her long ginger hair back at the nape of her neck.

At the end of a row of lovely, leather-bound journals, she stumbled across a collection of datapads she'd all but forgotten about. Her overtaxed heart let out an awkward, painful beat as she slid the first one off the shelf and commanded it to play.

_"You never asked me about this, but my wife just called, my ex-wife…" _

David Anderson's voice, still as smooth and deep as the day he'd recorded this message, poured out of the data pad. Her mentor's words, once always soothing and encouraging, now formed an instant lump in her throat and an itch in the corner of her eyes. Not letting herself change her mind, she scooped all the data pads up in her arms and carried them over the coffee table in the center of the hall. The tarps covering the sofas were unbearably dingy, so extra care was needed while peeling the corner of one back, so she could sit down on a relatively clean surface.

Shepard couldn't believe how hungry she was for even one more second with this man, even if it was just a cold, recorded voice on a datapad. She listened to every word anew, pretending it was the first time and laughing at every silly joke he made. She heard him discuss his loving parents, his N7 training, and commanding the Normandy. At times, Shepard even spoke back, letting her voice carry across the empty room.

_"Sure I can talk about Commander Shepard, big topic." _The datapad recited.

"I'm sure you could," she laughed. "I'm afraid to hear what the whole story ended up looking like. Did you tell them about the day I enlisted; skinny farm girl fresh from the orphanage, looking for a place to belong? Did you mention how you were the first person in years to believe in me?"

_"People are quick to judge," _he continued._ "they don't know the whole story, I don't even know the whole story."_

"You came pretty damn close." She assured the voice.

_"I trust her with my life." _

"I'm sorry I wasn't more careful with it," she whispered, silent tears leaking out to dampen her face. "I wish I'd been better. I wish you were still here with me."

_ "I worry sometimes she forgets. There's a whole bunch of people who lose sleep over her getting home. Soldiers like the commander are pretty rare. A woman like Shepard? Even more rare._

_Shepard_ couldn't even respond to that, so choked up she could barely breathe. She just sat there as the last message ended, holding the hard plastic so tightly in her hands, her knuckles turned white.

"Hey Shepard," Kaidan's voice carried to her from the stairs. She heard the light trapping of his boots as he entered the hall behind her. "There's half an army of workers coming up here in about an hour or so; window installers, upholstery and floor cleaners, and a bunch of people with brand new linens. They promise we'll be able to sleep here tonight, no problem. You want to go get out of their hair? Maybe get some dinner, take in a movie? I hear there a new…hey," he finally rounded the couch and got a good look at her face. Knees dropping instantly to the dirty carpet, he gathered her hand; prying the datapad from her cold fingers and warming them within his. "What's going on?"

"I think he knew." She murmured, reaching up to swipe at the tears on her cheeks. "When Anderson gave me this apartment he said it was to tie up loose ends. I think he knew he'd never get the chance to come back here. It was supposed to be his home with Kahlee, but he gave it to me instead. Why would he do that if he expected to survive?"

"I don't know, Love." Kaidan soothed, sliding up to sit next to her on the musty couch, "but it shows how much he cared for you."

"He did," Shepard hiccupped, "And he wanted the best for me. I never realized how much until just now. All the pieces are coming together. Anderson never got what he really wanted - a home with someone who loved him and maybe even a family - not until the very end and then it was too late. When he realized he'd never have it, he tried to give it to me. That's the real reason he wanted me to have the apartment."

Kaidan held her close, urged her cheek onto his shoulder and gently petted her hair. "He was a very wise man," Kaidan agreed. "It was one of the things I always admired about him."

Shepard took a deep, shuddering breath and continued. "Do you know, one of the last things he said to me, was that he thought I'd be a good mom? He wanted me to have this," she clasped Kaidan's hand in hers, rubbed her thumb over the wedding ring she'd placed there just a few months back, and pressed his palm to her swollen belly.

"He wanted me to have what he never could. It's just so unfair. Poor Kahlee didn't get her happy ending." A little broken sob escaped her lips. "What if that happens to us? What if the implants don't work this time," she whispered, "Miranda is hopeful, but not certain. What if we've beaten the odds too many times already? I don't want to leave you alone, with nothing but this big ass apartment and a load of regret."

"Hey, Hey," Kaidan palmed her face in his hands. His own voice was shaky now. "Stop, okay? Don't think like that. Everything is going to be fine. You are the strongest person I have ever met. If anyone can do this, it's you, especially if we're together. If Anderson were here, he'd tell you the exact same thing."

"You think?" Shepard forced a small smile and sniffed inelegantly.

"Shepard!" Kaidan forced his best 'Anderson Voice,' making Shepard giggle. "What are you doing moping about when there's a galaxy to rebuild? Get off your ass and go find something useful to do."

The commander laughed in earnest, throwing her head back and letting the mirth escape. "I love you," she finally said, leaning over to kiss her husband on the lips. "I don't know what I'd do without you here."

"hmmm," he murmured against her lips. "As I've said on numerous occasions, you never have to find out." Intertwining his fingers with hers, Kaidan helped her stand. "Come on," he urged, leading her towards the stairs. "I want to show you something."

Shepard followed obediently, curious as to what her husband had up his sleeve. He stopped before the elegant grand piano and whipped the huge tarp away, sending a mushroom cloud of dust into the air around them.

"Ugh! Really, Kaidan!" Shepard choked and gagged for a second as her vision cleared. "As if I weren't filthy enough already."

"Sorry, Love," he replied sheepishly, waving his hand around in front of his face. The little plumes of dust just danced around all the more. "I guess that move looked a bit more impressive in my mind."

Using the edge of the tarp, he brushed the piano bench until it gleamed and urged Shepard to sit next to him. "Did Anderson play?" he asked, as he lifted the lid off the keys and flipped the power switch.

"I don't think so," she replied pensively, as he played a few scales to warm up. "Maybe Kahlee did. This was, after all, supposed to be her home too."

"He wouldn't want you to feel guilty about that," Kaidan told her, his fingers beginning to eke out a soft, sweet melody. "Anderson loved you. He gave you this place so you could be happy."

"I know," she sighed, laying her cheek on his shoulder once more. The tendons beneath his skin shifted in tune to the melody as he played. "But how…"

"Shh…" he soothed. "Just listen." And then he took a breath, and the angelic sound of her husband's rich baritone swept through the dusty room.

_ "Goodnight my angel, time to close your eyes  
And save these questions for another day  
I think I know what you've been asking me  
I think you know what I've been trying to say._

_I promised I would never leave you  
Then you should always know  
Wherever you may go, no matter where you are  
I never will be far away." _

Shepard's eyelids closed on a pair of silent tears, as she let each verse of her husband's song calm her nerves. Usually she was fine; the Commander Shepard mask so firmly in place, even she was fooled into thinking she was unflappable. But sometimes, in the quiet moments, when the mask was put away with the rest of those things left broken after the war, she felt just a bit raw. It was so very nice to have someone there to soothe the ache, to tell her everything was going to be alright, even if he didn't truly know that for sure.

_"Goodnight my angel, now it's time to dream  
And dream how wonderful your life will be  
Someday your child may cry, and if you sing this lullaby  
Then in your heart there will always be a part of me._

_Someday we'll all be gone  
But, lullabies go on and on  
They never die  
That's how you and I will be."_

The final note echoed across the foyer and Kaidan leaned down to meet her watery gaze. "You see," he said, brushing his lips against hers. "No one can ever separate us again. It's you and me, forever."

Shepard smiled and kissed him back, sure he could taste the salt of her tears. "I'll be here." She vowed. "You can bet on it."

Kaidan laughed and rose from his seat. "What do you say, we go get that dinner?" he asked, offering her a hand. "The cleaning crew is going to be here any minute and I think we both deserve a night out in the wards."

"That sounds like an excellent plan," she agreed, wiping away her tears once more and letting her husband help her up. They strolled, hand in hand to the door, but Shepard paused at the threshold and looked back. All the dust and debris would be all cleaned up when they returned. The beds would have new sheets and the windows would again be encased with glass. There would be no evidence of the current destruction. The apartment would be renewed and ready to be filled with love and laughter.

"Thank you," she whispered, hoping with all her heart that somehow the previous owner could hear. "I'll make you proud."

* * *

**Author's notes:  
**Kaidan sings Billy Joel's "Lulliby"


End file.
